NO GUILT HERE

The Wikipedia officially defines guilt as:   
The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense.^[1] It is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.^[2] It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

There are several things I know to be true.  1.  The Bible says our days are numbered (  Psalms 139:16 "You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed")..  2.  What happened to Emma-Grace is extremely rare.  3.  We pushed for and the doctors tried everything possible to save Emma-Grace.  4.  Every test done to try to figure out how to help Emma-Grace was negative.  5.  Nothing we did or did not do would have changed the outcome of Emma-Grace's illness.

Over the last few weeks the devil has really been working overtime in my brain to make me feel guilty.   He has in every way, shape and form tried to make me feel, as a mom and as a nurse practitioner, that I could have done something to keep Emma from getting sick.  I know in my heart that there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened.  My heart knows that, but the devil is trying to convince my brain otherwise.

I truly believe that as we are formed in the womb, God knows every detail of our life.  He knows the beginning, end and everything in between.  He knew Emma-Grace's biological parents for whatever reason would abandon her.  He knew she would only live for a few years and I believe He chose our family to take care of her during that time.   I heard the song "Only Grace" by Matthew West this morning on the way to work.  The words spoke to me.  
ONLY GRACE: by Matthew West
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.

I think God is trying to tell me that I have nothing to feel guilty about.  Nothing I could have done would have changed the days He had numbered for Emma-Grace.  We did what He wanted, and that was to love that precious little girl to the moon and back.  In return she gave us love in her special Emma-Grace way and was a wonderful blessing to our family.

I always find it interesting when people say, "Those children are so blessed to have you all as their family".  The truth is that we are the blessed ones to have been chosen by God to raise them as our children.    We understand that our children, biological and adopted, are a gift from God.  They are not really our children, but God's children.  He just lets us have the privilege of taking care of them while they are here on earth.  I can say that Craig and I have been truly blessed.  We are extremely proud of all of our children and the individuals they have become.  

I thank God for the short time we had with Emma-Grace.  We would adopt her again tomorrow, even if we had known the outcome.  None of us are promised tomorrow.  James 4:14-15." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away."    In other words, life is short.  God wants us to make our time on earth count.  We should be spending our time living for Him with a passion and with no regrets.  That is easier said than done.  

I think of Emma-Grace's short time with us and I am reminded of a quote from the movie  Steel Magnolias  "I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."   God has richly blessed us with great children.  Emma-Grace was no exception.  Having her for 2 1/2 short years was definitely wonderful.  I hate to even think about the incredible blessings we would have missed if we had not follow God's call to adopt her.  

I have decided that no matter how hard he tries, I am not going to let the devil defeat me.  The only thing I have to feel guilty about is that I have let the him control way too many of my thoughts.  Instead I need to be giving this battle over to God and letting Him fight this spiritual warfare for me.  So as it says in Matthew 16:23  "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." 

    

HOLD MY HAND

My little Emma-Grace loved to hold hands.  Most nights she wanted to go to sleep holding my hand.  Each night she would ask to be beside my bed. She was still in a crib which luckily had wheels on it.  I would roll the crib beside my bed and lay beside her and we would hold hands until she dozed off.  If I was busy and could not lie down yet she still wanted me to roll the crib over beside my bed.  That way when I did go to bed,  if she awoke in the night, she could reach over to touch me and I would then hold her hand until she could go back to sleep.

During the day Emma-Grace constantly wanted to be held.  When we went somewhere she would want to walk beside someone in the family and hold their hand that is if she was not being held.  She is what I like to call a Velcro baby.  She was constantly attached to someone.  I have to admit that there were more times than one that I found this to be frustrating.  On the day she got sick her last words to me were "hold me mommy, hold me".  Looking back I am thankful for her clinging nature.  I am grateful for every minute that God let me hold that wonderful little girl. She helped me realize how precious even the smallest moments in life are. 

I remember when my older children were younger thinking that if I had only know the day that they were going to ask me to hold them for the last time, before they grew too big, I would have held them longer.  I would have rocked them more.  I would have slowed down and spent more time doing just "silly stuff".  However before I knew it, they are growing older, getting heavier and being “big” kids that didn’t need me as much.  

As children of God he is always present for us.  The good thing is we can never be too young or too old.  It doesn't matter how little or how long we have been a Christian.  We can have small problems or big problems.  God doesn't care.  If we call out His name He will be there for us.  That may be to walk beside us, to hold our hand or carry us.  He is and will be whatever we need at the moment.  Praise God!  I know I could not have made it through the last 5 months without His presence in my life.  I often wonder how people survive difficulties without God.  

Isaiah 41:10 10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

There's something about physical touch that brings comfort and stability in an uncertain world.  God designed us to feel comfort from the touch of others.  I don't mean that in an inappropriate way.  I just think that in this techno world that we live in now, we have forgotten the importance of reaching out to those in need.  We text or e-mail each other instead of picking up the phone and actually talking to someone.  I am just as guilty as anyone of this.  We have become so busy with our own lives we can't see that there are people in need all around us. 

The New Testament is filled with stories of Jesus touching those around Him.  He laid His hands on women who had been scorned, the sick who needed healing, children dancing at His feet and lepers ashamed of their bodies. The mere touch of Him healed the physically and spiritually sick.  I picture His hands always reached out to someone.  What a beautiful picture that is.  

There are times in our lives that we aren't sure if we can face another minute or even take another step alone.  Things are utter chaos in our lives.  We may be facing discouragement, sickness, financial distress, unemployment, death, depression or things no one knows except for us and God.  How excited our Heavenly Father would probably be if we would just look up and ask for Him to hold us during our time of need.  His hands are waiting.  We just have to be willing to reach out to them.  Praise God for His willingness to take care of us.  

I pray that as a child of God, He will make me more aware of those around me that are in need of someone to "care".  And that I will be willing to be the hands and feet of God and provide the healing touch they might need.  

"The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."  Footprints in the sand by Carolyn Carty, 1963

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

I had mentioned in my last post that Allyson was upset that she never got to tell her sister good-bye.  Our plan was for Ally to send Emma-Grace a letter telling her anything she wanted to.  After deciding to do this, Katie, Christopher, Allyson and I all decided to write a letter to Emma and then send them by balloon "airmail".  The kids loved the idea and took several days actually getting their letters written.  After it was all said and done we proceeded to gather the balloons for the event.  We were finally ready to send out our letters yesterday.  All in all it took 6 mylar balloons and 10 latex balloons to lift the letters up into the sky.  Talk about heavy duty letters.  

I have to admit I did peak at Christopher's and Allyson's letters to see what they wanted to tell their sister.  I know, "bad mama".    However I will say I was quite impressed with their maturity and the things they told their little sister.  They both talked about how much they loved her, how they did not want her to have to die and that they missed her very much.   All things I know everyone in the family also feels, but I was amazed at how well at 9 and 10 years old they were able to verbalize this in their letters.  

The actual send off of the balloons could not have worked out better.  I came in from work and the sun was just about to set in the sky.  We took the special package up the hill in behind our house as to avoid the balloons getting caught in the surrounding trees.  I took pictures to remember the event by.  Chris and Ally let the letters attached to the strings of the balloons go and we watched as they rose up into the sky.  As we looked up to follow the balloons on their journey what did we see but a beautiful rainbow in the horizon.  We watched at the balloons slowly but surely made their way up and over the rainbow and then out of sight.  What a beautiful sign from God letting us know our precious little Emma-Grace is with Him

.  

"As the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud in the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness round about. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face, and I heard a voice of one that spake." - Ezekiel 1:28

In the Bible there are rainbows mentioned in the beginning, middle, and end of scripture. Near the beginning in Genesis, God sends a rainbow as His covenant that He will never again flood all the earth as punishment for human sin. In the middle, in Ezekiel, the rainbow symbolizes the coming of Christ, as well as to declare the glory of God. And in Revelation, at the end of God's Word, John described Christ as "clothed with a cloud and a rainbow on His head," a symbol of peace and reconciliation with God.

In the Bible God often used symbols to show us His goodness and righteousness.   God gave us the rainbow as a symbol of the trustworthiness of His promises - as a symbol of hope in Him.  God gave the symbol of the rainbow to Noah and all of us after the great flood. He gave it to us to say He keeps His promises.  I think He continues to let us see rainbows even now to remind us of His wonderful promises. 

As Christians we often think our lives should be without adversity.  But God never promised us a life free of pain. As most of us have experienced in one way or another trials do come.  We aren’t immune to adversity, but God has promised that he will keep us safe in the storm.  When trails come, often it may be hard to hear God amidst the sounds of the storm.  However, we can rest assured that no matter how loud or violent the tribulation, He is there right beside us.  After all of the wind, thunder and rain are gone, He reminds us of His love with the beautiful stillness and a rainbow in the sky. 

Sometimes we need a little heavenly reminder, that we much choose to see, to believe that miracles can come through the trials of life. The most beautiful rainbows are those that come from storms that rage the roughest. For in seeking out the miracle in the trial, we’ll find our rainbow in the flood and God’s promises through the storm. After all, I once read that you can’t even spell rainbow without rain. 

I think yesterday's rainbow was a beautiful example of God's love for our family. A promise, that as His children, He goes to prepare a place for us, just like He did for Emma-Grace.  A place that is more precious to me now than ever.  Especially since I know my little Emma-Grace will be waiting on me at the gates of Heaven.  Well, at least in my letter to Emma I ask her to wait for me at the gates, so that's how I am planning it anyway.  

And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth."  Genesis 9: 12-13