Final Post: A Love Letter for Emmie

Over the last 12 months my family has experienced one of the hardest things a person can face.  I really can’t imagine anything worse than losing a child.  We not only lost our Emma-Grace, but we watched as our precious little girl suffered a terrible, unexplainable death.  My heart is and will never be the same.  Apart of me will always be missing. 

As I approach the 1 year anniversary of losing our little Emmie I wanted to write my final entry of the “Heart of a Mom” blog.   The actual day Emma-Grace passed away is May 13 which falls on mother’s day this year.  Need I say more?  My heart aches just thinking about that.  So I really wanted to write this prior to the actual day, when I know my mind will be occupied with many other things. 
     
I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for letting me share this journey of grief with you.  It is a journey that I know will encompass the rest of my life.  I am aware that reading the caring bridge and the blog have not been easy at times.  Many of you loved Emma-Grace too and I know her death affected more than just our family.  Thank you for your love and concern for each one of us.  We love you all. 
 

As I thought about what I wanted to write as my final entry, I decided to write a love letter.  A letter dedicated to my beautiful little girl.  I hope you do not mind and will indulge me in this, the final journal entry.  

 My dearest little Emmie,

This past year without you has been so hard on mommy.  My heart is broken and I have cried more in the last year than I have ever cried.  I am sad for me, daddy and all of your brothers and sisters.  We all love you so much and feel blessed that God placed you with our family.  We miss you more than words can express, but know that you are in the most wonderful place now.  I cannot even imagine the beautiful things you are experiencing in heaven.  

I remember the day they first placed you in my arms.  I knew immediately that you were meant to be my little girl.  You loved to cuddle and from day one you were what we liked to call our “Velcro baby”.  Someone was always holding you- you made sure of that.  When you started to talk I am sure some of the first words you said were "hold me".  It is a wonder you ever learned to walk because for a while your feet never touched the ground.  

You used to say, "I am everybody's baby".  And that you were.  From the beginning you were very possessive of your family and would say “my mommy”, “my daddy”, “my brother”, “and my sister”.  This to me confirmed over and over God had planned from the beginning of time that you were supposed to be with our family. 

 

Each day holds special memories for me.  I wake up every day and think about how you loved to climb into bed with mommy and daddy in the mornings.  You would close your eyes and act like you were snoring.  Then you would just laugh.  You had the best laugh.  

You were mommy’s nap buddy on Sunday afternoon.  I remember multiple times when we would lay down and I would have my eyes closed and you would lean over and rub, kiss my face and say “I love you mommy”.  You wanted to sleep right beside me.  I would wake up with your arms, legs or feet on top of me.   I miss that.  

I drive by your preschool and remember how you cried when you first started attending.  But after several weeks you loved school.  You especially loved the craft center.  You would draw, glue and paint all day if they would have let you.  I remember thinking on the last day you went to school how independent you had become.  You were so proud because you were now a big girl and not afraid.   You were able to sign yourself in because you had learned how to write “Emma”.  Mrs. Roberts said they had never had a 3 year old who could write their own name.  We talked about how smart you were on that last day.

All of your school friends are getting their kindergarten physicals now.  It is hard for me to look at them and not remember the conversations we had about you going to big girl school one day.  You were so excited about being able to ride the bus with Chris and Allyson.  We would probably be talking about you turning 5 years old and who your teacher would be.  I am sorry you will never get to do those things. 

At my work office I remember the “messes” you would make eating snacks in the back room.  You would come in the office every day looking for a “snack”.  You loved to eat and would leave a trail of crumbs wherever you went. 

 

At home you would get up from the supper table and within the hour be asking for food.  I would say “but you just ate supper” and you would say, “I know, but that was supper and I want a snack”.  I imagine in heaven you have your choice of all types of wonderful foods.  I am sure you love that.

Each night we would sit in my rocker and read books.  You loved to read.  “I want to read 5 books mommy.”  “No Emma-Grace, let’s read 2 books.”  “No 5 books.”  This was our nightly conversation.  You won most of the time.  I am so glad for every second we spent reading all of you favorite books.  

On Sunday mornings after putting on your dress you would prance around and twirl in circles.  You loved to dress up.  Your daddy would just make the biggest deal about how beautiful you looked and you would just beam.  When we would get to church I remember vividly watching you run down the hall to Sunday school.  So many people at church miss seeing your bright little face. 

You gave the most wonderful love to your brothers and sisters.  When they would come home you would meet them at the door and say “brother hug” or “sisters hug” and squeeze them so tight.   They loved it.  You had them all wrapped around your little finger.  You were the only person who could get away with calling Michael “Mikey” and Josh “Joshy”.   They all miss you so much.  

You loved to go to the store because in your mind that meant you were going to get a “surprise”.  You would always ask for M&Ms.  In fact it was a daily thing for you to ask me to stop at the store and get a bug juice and a pack of M&Ms.  Of course we didn’t, but you would ask anyway. 

To say you were stubborn is an understatement.  If you didn’t want to do something it was like pulling teeth to get you to do whatever it was.  Something simple as getting your picture made would be a major undertaking.  For some reason you hated it and would make it well known.  During our Hilton Head beach photo shot you rolled around in the sand in your pretty white dress.  I laugh now when I thing about it. 

I am so sorry you got sick.  I wish so much I could have prevented such a terrible illness.  So many people tried to figure out what was wrong and how to make you well.  But we just could not defeat whatever it was.  Your stubborn streak came out and you fought so hard.  We all felt sure you were going to get better.  One of the doctors at the hospital said you were stubborn in the best of ways.  I agree.  I think that is how you held on for 13 weeks.  But in the end your little body just couldn’t fight any more.  Ultimately I know that it was God's time to call you home.  I am glad you are now healthy and able to run and play.  I know it must be wonderful to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father. 

Even though we all had to go on with our lives after you passed away, I wanted you to know that not a day goes by that I am not constantly thinking of you. I see you all around me every day.  I think that will always be the case.  Your essence is in so many places.  Each day there are things that I see or things that happen that remind me of you. Those beautiful memories of you have sustained me many days.  Days that I really did not want to go on.  But I can hear you now saying “don’t cry mommy, smile.   I am OK.  I’m with Jesus now.”  

Lastly, I wanted to tell you about the newest member of our family.  Her name is Anna-Leigh.  She is in China waiting for us to bring her home.  She needs a mommy just like you did.  I know you would have been the best big sister.  I can just see you now trying to tell her what to do and giving her “sister hugs”.  I imagine you will be watching over her and our entire family from heaven. When she is older I will tell her all about what a wonderful sister she has waiting for all of us in heaven.  

There are so many other things I could say, but most of all I want to say that I thankful for the 2 ½ years of wonderful memories we were able to make.  And I am extremely thankful God choose me to be your mommy.  I hope that when it is time for God to call me home you will know ahead of time and will meet me at the gate.  I can’t wait to hold my beautiful little girl again.    

Until that day- I love you so much

Your Mommy

NO GREATER LOVE

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15: 9-13 (NIV)


Legend tells us that during the Roman Empire, there lived a Christian physician whose heart was touched with the needs of his fellow brothers and sisters who were being persecuted. This man loved others so much that he put his own life at risk by providing medical treatment to those whom the emperor chose to punish. As a result, this great doctor himself was thrown into prison. His love and compassion continued to flow even there as he shared his faith with those around him. He even shared his faith with the emperor who imprisoned him, trying to convert him to Christianity. As a result the emperor had him beaten and then beheaded. Following his death, Christians began sending messages of love to each other as a continual remembrance of this unselfish man named Valentine. Thus began the tradition of Valentine’s Day and the symbol of love it invokes.

Love is an emotion that even scholars can’t explain at times. It’s been called a phenomenon, a mysterious and splendid thing. It’s as invisible as the air we breathe, yet equally essential. Poets have tried to describe it. Philosophers have sought to understand it. Yet the mystery, miracle and feelings of love remain indescribable to many.

Long before Valentine’s Day tradition began, God gave the first gift of love. He gave His son as a sacrifice for our sins because He loves us so much. This was the foundation of true love. It is a love beyond all boundaries. Without this love there would be no celebration of love today. Love is one of the deepest and most fulfilling treasures God has ever given us. That gift transcends outward symbols and trivial attempts to explain it. Without His love, we wouldn’t experience God’s mercy, His Salvation or His joy. Once received, the deep abiding love of Christ in our hearts will overflow into every aspect of our lives. Real love, the kind of love that sacrificed all for you and me, came in human form to unite our hearts to God’s. What an amazing gift God has given us – not only to observe, but also to miraculously experience! His Word proclaims it to be greater than hope and faith. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13) NIV

Do we desire to love more and experience more love in our life? God’s word encourages us to follow God’s example of love in loving one another. Our Heavenly Father is the Author and Creator of love and he invites us to wrap ourselves and others in this extraordinary gift that was hand delivered by Him. “No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” (1 John 4:12) NIV

Because of the romantic symbols we use to celebrate Valentine’s Day, we forget that St. Valentine actually lost his life because of his love for God. Beyond the glamour of roses and chocolates that help us celebrate the world’s view of romantic love, we find a man who gave his all for the love of his Savior. St. Valentine truly knew what it meant to be a follower of Christ. This man spent his life serving others. He died severing Christ. Few of us will ever be called on to actually give up our lives for those we love, but how much are we willing to sacrifice? Time? Energy? Money? Words? Our own wants and desires? The example of the Lord Jesus Christ shows us that love indeed is an action-not just a feeling. As we approach Valentine’s Day, we should remember where love first came from…our Father in Heaven.

As a closing to my blog about love I wanted to tell everyone about my family’s love without boundaries. As most people can see our family is “different”. Is that different good or different bad. Some would say we are “different- crazy”. We had a family of 5 and felt called by God to extend our love to 3 children in need of a family. I would say we needed them as much as they needed us. Does that make us crazy- maybe so? Before Emma-Grace ever got sick we had started talking about bringing another child into our family. As most ever one knows we lost our little “Emmie” last year despite the heroic efforts of many people. We continue to grieve that precious little girl who brought so much joy into our home. I had mentioned before that even though we have suffered a great loss, we could not be afraid to love again. God calls us to love and care for His children. The Bible commands us to care for the orphans. We feel God has blessed us with a wonderful family with an abundance of love to share. So- I said all of that to say - later this year we will be bringing another child home. Her name is Anna-Leigh Yin Carpenter. She will be approximately 22 months by the time we bring her home from China. Will we be older parents?- yes. Are we old enough to be her grandparents?-yes. Will we be even older and grayer before she graduates high school?- yes. But do we have the love and compassion to give another child a home? Yes, yes, and yes. We are all excited and can’t wait to see what this new chapter of life holds for us. Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers for our family, we love you all. Attached is a picture of a newest addition, we think she is beautiful.

THANKFUL IN ALL THINGS

As I sit down tonight to reflect on the past year I am amazed how many emotions come to mind. Joy, happiness, fulfillment, love, disbelief, anger, fear, and sorrow are just a few feelings that run through my brain. I feel this year has brought every conceivable emotion on the spectrum from good to bad. Not only had there been many emotions, but emotions that could change on a dime. Needless to say it has been a very hard year for my family. It is difficult for me to believe we are now into 2012. This past year has been somewhat of a blur to me. I have decided that maybe that is a good thing. I think it is one way God protects us from being so overwhelmed with life.


Over the last few weeks we have celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas. A time where we reflect on the past year and the things and people we are grateful for. In the Bible it says we are to be thankful in all things. Scripture tells us, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thess. 5:16-18). As easy as that sounds on paper I have found it to be extremely hard at times. God isn’t saying to be thankful that something awful has happened. He knows we are human, we get hurt, and we lose hope, and suffer grief. No, rather he wants us to give thanks in the face of it. Not just when things are going our way. I am reminded that we are to recognize the blessings in our life each day. Not just on the good days. Thankfulness is not a once a year “holiday”. I believe we need to daily cultivate a heart of thanksgiving. We are to give thanks in all things, not some things, not the great and wonderful things, but in everything.

On Thanksgiving Day I awoke and right away the devil started whispering in my ear reasons I should not be thankful. “What do you have to be thankful for- your little girl is gone”. It would have been easy to give in to those thoughts. But I prayed about it and God started reminding me all of the blessings he pours out on my family daily. Yes, we did lose our precious Emma-Grace this year, but there are so many things to be thankful for. I wanted to list just a few things that I am personally grateful for.

1. I am thankful that even though I am a sinner, God loves me no matter what and he sent His son to die for my sins.

2. I am thankful for a family that loves the Lord. All of my children have made professions of faith.

3. I am thankful that God brought a beautiful little girl name Fuyan Dang (Emma-Grace) into our lives and gave us 2 ½ years with her.

4. I am thankful that little girl taught our family so much about life and love and drew our family closer than ever.

5. I am thankful that Emma-Grace is now with her Heavenly Father and is no longer sick and lying in a hospital bed hooked to machines and IVs.

6. I am thankful God spared us from having to see Emma-Grace in no other way than that little smart, silly, bubbly, lovey girl that she was.

7. I am thankful that God has brought my family through the most difficult year I can imagine. Not only are we together but our bond is stronger than ever.

8. I am thankful for family and friends who have been beside of us each step of the way.

Losing a child is an unbearable burden, an indescribable despair. I admit I have struggled with how to be thankful in the face of that. My sorrow has been deep and wide. It is a sorrow that I have a hard time even putting into words. It would have been easy to just go to bed and not get up. However with God’s grace I HAVE been able to get up. I HAVE been able to return to work. I HAVE been able to take care of my family in their time of sorrow. And I HAVE a hope for tomorrow. ”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “ (Jeremiah 29:11) And for all of those things I am thankful.

In the midst of my sorrow I have reminded myself to do a peculiar thing. I have tried even on the worst of days to find something to be thankful for. I am thankful Emma-Grace was placed with our family and that we had 2 1/2 precious years with her. I would have done anything if it would have prevented the illness she had to endure prior to her passing. However I know that Emma-Grace’s illness served a purpose for God’s kingdom. I understand that here on earth I will never totally comprehend how God works some times. But I have seen a mighty work done through a little girl who many people did not even know until 8 months ago. I am thankful that the nurses and doctors that took care of her felt God’s presence in our room. Although some of them maybe didn’t understand it, they expressed what peace and love they experienced around us, that we were “different” somehow. Those same people fell in love with a little girl that they never even met awake. I am thankful that because of Emma-Grace’s illness many people were drawn to the throne of God, many who had not been there in a long time. I am grateful that my own children (Christopher and Allyson) accepted the love of Jesus into their hearts during this past year. Overall I am thankful that God was glorified in the midst of our sorrow.

Perhaps this past year you are one of the millions who have lost their job, maybe your house is in foreclosure, maybe you are struggling to make ends meet, or perhaps you have lost one dear to your heart. This may be a season of grief and loss for you, but please know that you have a hope that does not disappoint. For you have a Father who understands you. God himself lost his child and I imagine his heart also grieved. That child prior to his death became flesh and felt many of the same emotions we feel while he was here on earth. He felt pain and sorrow and even cried when His friend Lazarus died. I think that is one reason he understands our hearts so well. He became man so he could know how we feel when we are hurt or sorrowful. He comforts the brokenhearted. He promises to never leave you or forsake you. His love is extravagant toward you. His love never fails. The Bible says your sadness may last for a time, but joy will come, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5). Oh what we have to be thankful for. Such a great God! Such a great love! Such a wonderful Savior!

If only for a short time, I am thankful for the time God gave me with my little Emmie before she went to Jesus. In the face of my pain, with God’s grace I have been able to give thanks. And I praise God for that!