NO RESERVES. NO RETREATS. NO REGRETS.

Today Allyson, my 9 year, old told me she is mad at God because she did not get to tell her little sister good-bye before she died.  She went on to talk about how it makes her sad to look at pictures of Emma smiling because she thought Emma was not happy anymore, but sad because she had to die.  We had a long talk about how sick Emma-Grace was and that even though we are sad, Emma-Grace is not sad anymore. I explained that Emma is well now, no longer having seizures or hooked to machines.  It is hard to explain all of the "whys" of death to a nine year old.  I told Allyson about how the Bible says our days are numbered and that God knew before Emma-Grace was born that she was going to get sick and die when she was 3 1/2 years old.  He also knew that Emma had no one to love her in China and that she needed a family.  We were blessed to be chosen by God to be her family and love her for 2 1/2 years.  I told Allyson that she had been a great big sister to Emma and had shown her the best "sister love" ever.

A great friend of mine suggested I have Ally and her brother Chris write Emma-Grace a letter.   In it they could tell her how much they loved her and good-bye.  When they are done writing, we are to tie the letters to a helium balloon and let it go so that we are sending their letters up to heaven.  Ally seemed excited with this idea, so that is the project for tomorrow.  I told her she could write a letter, draw pictures or both.  I explained to her it could be private, something she wanted only to tell Emma, but not us if she wanted.  Her tears dried up and she seemed satisfied with the plan.  I am sure this is not the last talk we will have about Emma and how much she loved her.  They were great friends.  She told me tonight that when I was not home she was Emma's little mommy.  If you know Allyson, you know this is true.

  

God doesn't guarantee any of us how long we will live.  I think having your child die makes this so much more of a reality.  A mother should never outlive her child.  The fact is that some people never live past infancy and other people surpass the century mark.  The Bible says our days on earth are like a vapor.  As Christians we need to recognize how short life really is.  That's why we have been commissioned by God to spread the good news of salvation.  "And then he told them, "Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone" Mark 16:15.  The best thing is that this is just the beginning if we are a Christian.  Life in Heaven is forever.  I was reading a devotion about the brevity of life written by Tom Rutherford, a missionary who lives in Japan.  He wrote:   

Realizing that life is short can help us to properly value things.
 
When we realize that life is short, things take on a different value.

Things of eternal value become much more important.

I was blessed by reading some things said in an interview by Rick Warren the author of "The Purpose Driven Life" and the pastor of Saddleback Church in California. Here’s a summary of what he said.

“People ask me, what is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes for my life?
 
I would like to close by sharing a little about a man who did indeed live a short life. His name is William Borden.

Throughout the history of missions, many missionaries have lived very short lives. William Borden is one of them. In fact he died before he even reached the mission field. William was the heir to the Borden Dairy estate. He was a millionaire before he graduated from high school. But he was willing to let everything go to follow God’s call to the mission field. He wrote in his journal, "say no to self & yes to Jesus every time." The Lord called him to reach out to the Kansu people in China. Since the Kansu people were Muslim, William stopped in Egypt to study Arabic before traveling on to China. However, while in Egypt he contracted spinal meningitis and within a month he died at age 25. Prior to his death, William had written these six words in the back of his Bible:  No Reserves. No Retreats. No Regrets.

William Borden was a man who seemed to have a good handle on the shortness of life and the need to invest all he had in the things of Christ. 

I love the quote: "NO RESERVES, NO RETREATS, NO REGRETS."  If only we could all say that.  I pray today that I am reminded daily that this life is just a vapor and by remembering that I live everyday as if it were my last.
 
“Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.” James 4:14

MAKING MEMORIES

This past Monday I took 3 of my children to Carowinds for the day.  I think the last time I was there was about 10 years ago.  Things had changed a little, but overall it was the same.  My goal was to keep our minds busy and to start making new memories with my children.  Despite the heat we all had a great time.  This got me to thinking about using our lives to make lasting memories. 

Emma-Grace's physical presence is no longer in our home.  However there will always be her memories through-out the house.  She has fingerprints literally on most of the door facings and walls (marks that I am purposely not washing off, so if you come to my house you will just have to ignore them).  Her pictures are still hanging on the walls and sitting on tables.  But even if all of that disappeared we still would feel the essence of her here and will always have beautiful memories of her not only in our home but also in our hearts and minds. 

There is a Bible verse in the book of Luke that talks about Mary, Jesus mother.  It is a short verse, but holds so much meaning if you look at it closely.  "But Mary treasured all of these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19.  As a young mother of Jesus, Mary already knew that it is the little things that matter. I'm sure she was pondering all of the wonderful memories that were made on that Holy night.  She probably could tell you even the smallest details.  The smallest sounds, the smells, and the visions that she beheld that night were imprinted in her brain. 

Often times we don't realize how the most insignificant moments can become very important times of our lives. Sometimes we do not recognize the significance of those events until they are in the past.  Where we were?   Who we were with?   What we were doing?   I wonder how different our lives would be without those sometimes simple moments.  Or for that matter, how different the lives around us would be.  

After Emma-Grace's passing I, like Mary, have pondered many things in my heart. Many of the memories I have, that most people would probably consider insignificant, are now wonderful treasures to me.  Just a few things that she would do included:  calling bananas- "tonanas", shake her bottom and say she was shaking her tail feathers (I bet you can guess who taught her that); run naked through the house after taking a bath and say "I'm all sparkly now"; and my all time favorite, she would say, "I am everybody's baby". 

I rarely noticed some of her cute little antics at times, but now without them, it is very evident they are gone.  It would be impossible for me to explain all the ways this precious little girl has affected our family.  She has left an indelible mark on all of us, a scar from which we will never fully recover, but one which has left a beautiful place in each of our hearts.  As Mary recognized in the Bible, it is the little things that often matter the most. 

The world in which we live in demands blockbuster moments at times.  Many people want bigger, better, louder moments of life.  The world will always cry for the spectacle.  In our lifetimes we will all have little and big events.  However it may be that the most fragile or small times of our lives that are what someone may remember the most. Emma-Grace has left a beautiful mark upon my heart.  I pray, as I live this life that God has blessed me with, that I am making my mark on those around me.  Not just any mark, but the mark of unconditional love and compassion, the kind of love that Jesus has so freely given to me. 

"But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart" Luke 2:19

JOY AND SORROW

I got a call from Emma-Grace's pre-school teacher this week saying she was cleaning out her room for the year and she had a few of  Emma's things for me to come and pick up if I wanted them.  Of course I wanted them, but that meant going back to the school that Emma loved so much, which I knew would be hard for me.  At any rate I made the trip to the school yesterday morning because I knew I would kick myself later if I didn't.

To say the visit to the school was difficult for me is an understatement.  Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing her teachers and I love Spindale Elementary.  Being at the school brought back so many memories of a wonderful time in Emma-Grace's little life.  Her folder of "stuff" was filled with pictures of her laughing and playing that I had never even seen before.  I am so glad to have them.  It helps me remember her so full of life. 

I have decided that mourning Emma-Grace is filled with joy and sorrow.  How is that?  How can you feel both emotions in this time of loss? How can joy and sorrow even exist at the same time?

I have joy because Emma-Grace is no longer sick.  I know she is with her Heavenly Father.  Her little body is no longer hooked to machines and she is not hurting.  She is no longer in a coma, but awake and running on the streets of gold. Her little body is whole, there are no incisions or sores (she had 7 surgeries in her 3 month hospital stay and a large pressure sore on the back of her scalp from lying in the bed for so long).  She is able to eat and play; things she had not done for 3 months. 

I have sorrow because she is no longer here with me.  She was my baby; a mama’s girl.  I feel like there is a large hole in my heart.  There will be no more birthdays to celebrate, no elementary school, no high school graduation, no wedding, and no children for Emma-Grace.  It hurts me to even think about such.  She was still so dependent on me.  I feel like I am lost at times not having her here to occupy my time. 

There is a song that says "He gives and takes away".  Which is true, but to be honest, I wish it did not have to end this way.  Do I have moments of questioning?  Times when I wonder why God decided to take her home?  Sure I do.  As a Christian I have to make a choice of whether to be selfish and bitter regardless of my understanding or to use this opportunity to point others to Jesus.  I choose the later; to worship Him even while my heart is broken. I believe that everything that happens in our lives, however difficult, is an opportunity to bring glory to Him name. 

In the book "When the Heart Waits" Sue Monk Kidd says “A crisis is a holy summons to cross a threshold.  It involves both leaving behind and a stepping toward, a separation and an opportunity."  If we live long enough we all will have times of crisis.  Do we hold it against God or cross that threshold and put that pain in the hands of Heavenly Father?  We can either spend the rest of our days focused on our hurt or loss, or we can cross that threshold and let God bless us with the grace to believe that what lies ahead will glorify Him. 

I know I have been called to exalt the Lord no matter the circumstances, but that doesn't mean it has to make sense to me.  Many things in this life are not meant to be understood.   Our role as a Christian is to trust God and know that when there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to help us carry those burdens.  We are simply not strong enough to bear some things on our own. Jesus died on the cross and invites us to see grace where there is pain and to see resurrection where there is death. 

All of this is easier said than done.  I have found that I have to die daily to LaLisa and put Christ first.  Otherwise I couldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other.  I don’t think I will ever truly understand why Emma-Grace was taken from us while here on earth.  I know that one day, when I get to heaven, it will all make better sense to me.  Until then I pray that God will give me the strength to walk from day to day; whether that day holds joy or sorrow; all the while praising His Holy Name. 

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn... You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20 NIV

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO MOURN

One month ago today I handed my precious little girl over into the hands of God.  Over the last few weeks I have read several books on the topic of mourning.  One of the things I read is that holding a child as they die is the one of closest moments you are to God because that child's spirit goes from your arms directly into the arms of Jesus.  As Emma-Grace's mom, I choose to believe that.  I am so grateful that God brought that beautiful ray of sunshine into our lives.  I am more grateful that, as hard as it was to let her go, He allowed me to be there when she took her last few breaths and He called her home.

If we live long enough we all will be touched by grief in some way.  It may be something we know is going to happen or it can come suddenly and without warning.  Grief can affect anyone: young, old; rich, poor; male or female.  If you live in this world it is certain that grief will enter your life one day if it hasn't already.

When Emma-Grace was sick I said that it would be so easy to crawl up into a ball and become nonfunctional.  Seeing her in the hospital and sick for three months was one of the hardest things I have ever faced.  I can now say grieving her has been just as hard, if not harder. 

Satan would like nothing more than for grief to destroy us. However God doesn't want us to let grief control our lives.  He cares about our hurts and pains.  God gave His son so that we might have life.  Not only did He send His Son to die on the cross to save us from our sins, He also sent Him to help bear our grieves and pains.  God knew our lives would be touched by heartaches that would be too great for us to bear.  As a result, He sent His son to help carry those pains for us so that the weight of them would not crush us when they came.  God not only hears our cries but "understands" how we feel and gives us the peace that we desperately need. 

God made us the way we are.  Part of being human is that we are built with different emotions.  Grief is one of the things God allows us to feel in order for us to work through our loss.  His own son, Jesus suffered grief.  In the Bible when Lazarus died it says that Jesus wept. God cares about our loss.  He wants us to pour out our hearts to Him.  The Bible says "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalms 62:8

God is touched by our hurts.  He cares about our pains.  He understands our grief and provides peace, joy and strength when we need it.   As a Christian we must remember that God truly "understands" grief because He has suffered loss Himself.  He watched His own son die.  The loss of a loved one can be excruciating, however if we turn to God, He can bind our broken hearts and bring peace and healing once again.  He is the Comforter, and He can comfort us during our times of grief.   Praise God that He not only understands how we feel, but He also cares about how we feel.  He can bring us through our time of loss and even make something beautiful out of it, if we only allow Him to.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  Matthew 5:4

FINGERPRINTS OF GOD

I received an e-mail from one of Emma-Grace's preschool teachers this week.  She was telling me that on Emma's last day at school (Feb. 9, the day before she got sick); one of the things she did was to play with play-doh.  Emma-Grace wanted the teacher to make a snowman family with mo-hawks out of the play-doh. When the snowmen were done she said Emma-Grace laughed and laughed. 

It was wonderful for me to hear that on her last day at school she was so full of life.  I can just imagine her little hands working with the play-doh.  She loved the art center at school and she loved making different "things".

I have a piece of construction paper art hanging on my desk at work that Emma-Grace made for me several months ago.  She told the teacher it was her "mama".  On the paper she had glued some Popsicle sticks, scrap pieces of paper and pink feathers.  I wonder what that says about me?  Whatever it says, I love it and will always treasure it. 

The school sent home all of Emma's "things" a few weeks ago.  Among the papers was a piece of art she made the day before she got sick.  It is a beige piece of paper with pink and yellow dots of paint on it.  In the past it probably would have been a paper I would have thrown in the trash.  Now it is a cherished piece of art.  To know that this is the last thing she made with her little hands is priceless.  Her fingerprints are all over it.

To God, we are a marvelous work of art.  He fashions each and every one of us individually.  As he makes us who we are, he pays special attention to each intricate detail.  He forms our intelligence, personality, talents and abilities.  As God fashions our hearts individually, He leaves His fingerprints.  None of us are formed without His knowledge or His input.  However it is up to us how we use what God has given to us, to glorify Him. 

 

I wonder, as a child of God, if He is as proud of the things I touch, as I am of Emma's painting?  Are the marks I leave on the lives around me something He would say are priceless?  When others look at me do they see the fingerprints of God in my life?  Some people will never enter the doors of a church.  Those same individuals however are around people who claim to be Christians every day.  As a child of the King, am I showing others His love with my live?  Do my actions reflect the love and mercy I've so freely be given?   I pray today that Jesus would be as proud of my life, as I am of Emma-Grace's simple piece of art.  And that the fingerprints of God in me, are evident to everyone I meet.

"The Lord looks from heaven; He sees all the sons of men...He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works."  Psalm 33: 13-15 

PATCHWORK LIFE

Over the last 3 weeks I have been sorting through Emma-Grace's clothing. She had many things that had been given to her from other people or handed down from her big her sister Ally. Many items she never wore because she had not grown into them yet. Other clothes had been worn over and over because they were her "favorites". The question was what to do with all of these items?

I made the decision to give away all of the things Emma never wore. I felt someone could get good use from the items. At our house, with 6 children, we have always loved hand-me-downs.

The clothes she had worn were harder to go through and harder to think of giving away. Each familiar piece held a memory of our precious child. I decided to have memory quilts made from them, one for Craig and me, and one for each of Emma-Grace's siblings.

Katie and I went through the stacks of clothes she had worn. There were certain items that held a special memory. As we sorted clothes we talked about those special times and what each piece meant to us.

Our lives are like patchwork quilts. Each life is a fabric, composed of numerous threads that we weave together. Blocks of time that make up the days that God has numbered for us.

In the quilts we are having made there will be different squares that make up the various precious memories we have of Emma-Grace. In our patchwork of life, we make memories in the blocks of time we have. Which lead me to think, if someone were to make a quilt of my life, would there be blocks of time that are worthy of remembering?

As a child of God, He gives us the free will to manage this life He has blessed us with. Are we, as His children, living a life that is pointing people to Him? If God wanted to make a quilt from the times in my life that He was proud to call me His child, would He have enough material to make a quilt? I pray today that I am living a life worthy of the King. A life that He can say, this is my child whom I am well pleased.

"Here is my servant whom I have chosen, whom I love, and in whom I delight." Matthew 12:18

BLESSINGS

Heard this song on the way to work this morning.  Beautiful.  Perfect words for today.  Click the link below to hear song.

BLESSINGS BY LAURA STORY
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise


you tube: BLESSINGS BY LAURA STORY