Final Post: A Love Letter for Emmie

Over the last 12 months my family has experienced one of the hardest things a person can face.  I really can’t imagine anything worse than losing a child.  We not only lost our Emma-Grace, but we watched as our precious little girl suffered a terrible, unexplainable death.  My heart is and will never be the same.  Apart of me will always be missing. 

As I approach the 1 year anniversary of losing our little Emmie I wanted to write my final entry of the “Heart of a Mom” blog.   The actual day Emma-Grace passed away is May 13 which falls on mother’s day this year.  Need I say more?  My heart aches just thinking about that.  So I really wanted to write this prior to the actual day, when I know my mind will be occupied with many other things. 
     
I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for letting me share this journey of grief with you.  It is a journey that I know will encompass the rest of my life.  I am aware that reading the caring bridge and the blog have not been easy at times.  Many of you loved Emma-Grace too and I know her death affected more than just our family.  Thank you for your love and concern for each one of us.  We love you all. 
 

As I thought about what I wanted to write as my final entry, I decided to write a love letter.  A letter dedicated to my beautiful little girl.  I hope you do not mind and will indulge me in this, the final journal entry.  

 My dearest little Emmie,

This past year without you has been so hard on mommy.  My heart is broken and I have cried more in the last year than I have ever cried.  I am sad for me, daddy and all of your brothers and sisters.  We all love you so much and feel blessed that God placed you with our family.  We miss you more than words can express, but know that you are in the most wonderful place now.  I cannot even imagine the beautiful things you are experiencing in heaven.  

I remember the day they first placed you in my arms.  I knew immediately that you were meant to be my little girl.  You loved to cuddle and from day one you were what we liked to call our “Velcro baby”.  Someone was always holding you- you made sure of that.  When you started to talk I am sure some of the first words you said were "hold me".  It is a wonder you ever learned to walk because for a while your feet never touched the ground.  

You used to say, "I am everybody's baby".  And that you were.  From the beginning you were very possessive of your family and would say “my mommy”, “my daddy”, “my brother”, “and my sister”.  This to me confirmed over and over God had planned from the beginning of time that you were supposed to be with our family. 

 

Each day holds special memories for me.  I wake up every day and think about how you loved to climb into bed with mommy and daddy in the mornings.  You would close your eyes and act like you were snoring.  Then you would just laugh.  You had the best laugh.  

You were mommy’s nap buddy on Sunday afternoon.  I remember multiple times when we would lay down and I would have my eyes closed and you would lean over and rub, kiss my face and say “I love you mommy”.  You wanted to sleep right beside me.  I would wake up with your arms, legs or feet on top of me.   I miss that.  

I drive by your preschool and remember how you cried when you first started attending.  But after several weeks you loved school.  You especially loved the craft center.  You would draw, glue and paint all day if they would have let you.  I remember thinking on the last day you went to school how independent you had become.  You were so proud because you were now a big girl and not afraid.   You were able to sign yourself in because you had learned how to write “Emma”.  Mrs. Roberts said they had never had a 3 year old who could write their own name.  We talked about how smart you were on that last day.

All of your school friends are getting their kindergarten physicals now.  It is hard for me to look at them and not remember the conversations we had about you going to big girl school one day.  You were so excited about being able to ride the bus with Chris and Allyson.  We would probably be talking about you turning 5 years old and who your teacher would be.  I am sorry you will never get to do those things. 

At my work office I remember the “messes” you would make eating snacks in the back room.  You would come in the office every day looking for a “snack”.  You loved to eat and would leave a trail of crumbs wherever you went. 

 

At home you would get up from the supper table and within the hour be asking for food.  I would say “but you just ate supper” and you would say, “I know, but that was supper and I want a snack”.  I imagine in heaven you have your choice of all types of wonderful foods.  I am sure you love that.

Each night we would sit in my rocker and read books.  You loved to read.  “I want to read 5 books mommy.”  “No Emma-Grace, let’s read 2 books.”  “No 5 books.”  This was our nightly conversation.  You won most of the time.  I am so glad for every second we spent reading all of you favorite books.  

On Sunday mornings after putting on your dress you would prance around and twirl in circles.  You loved to dress up.  Your daddy would just make the biggest deal about how beautiful you looked and you would just beam.  When we would get to church I remember vividly watching you run down the hall to Sunday school.  So many people at church miss seeing your bright little face. 

You gave the most wonderful love to your brothers and sisters.  When they would come home you would meet them at the door and say “brother hug” or “sisters hug” and squeeze them so tight.   They loved it.  You had them all wrapped around your little finger.  You were the only person who could get away with calling Michael “Mikey” and Josh “Joshy”.   They all miss you so much.  

You loved to go to the store because in your mind that meant you were going to get a “surprise”.  You would always ask for M&Ms.  In fact it was a daily thing for you to ask me to stop at the store and get a bug juice and a pack of M&Ms.  Of course we didn’t, but you would ask anyway. 

To say you were stubborn is an understatement.  If you didn’t want to do something it was like pulling teeth to get you to do whatever it was.  Something simple as getting your picture made would be a major undertaking.  For some reason you hated it and would make it well known.  During our Hilton Head beach photo shot you rolled around in the sand in your pretty white dress.  I laugh now when I thing about it. 

I am so sorry you got sick.  I wish so much I could have prevented such a terrible illness.  So many people tried to figure out what was wrong and how to make you well.  But we just could not defeat whatever it was.  Your stubborn streak came out and you fought so hard.  We all felt sure you were going to get better.  One of the doctors at the hospital said you were stubborn in the best of ways.  I agree.  I think that is how you held on for 13 weeks.  But in the end your little body just couldn’t fight any more.  Ultimately I know that it was God's time to call you home.  I am glad you are now healthy and able to run and play.  I know it must be wonderful to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father. 

Even though we all had to go on with our lives after you passed away, I wanted you to know that not a day goes by that I am not constantly thinking of you. I see you all around me every day.  I think that will always be the case.  Your essence is in so many places.  Each day there are things that I see or things that happen that remind me of you. Those beautiful memories of you have sustained me many days.  Days that I really did not want to go on.  But I can hear you now saying “don’t cry mommy, smile.   I am OK.  I’m with Jesus now.”  

Lastly, I wanted to tell you about the newest member of our family.  Her name is Anna-Leigh.  She is in China waiting for us to bring her home.  She needs a mommy just like you did.  I know you would have been the best big sister.  I can just see you now trying to tell her what to do and giving her “sister hugs”.  I imagine you will be watching over her and our entire family from heaven. When she is older I will tell her all about what a wonderful sister she has waiting for all of us in heaven.  

There are so many other things I could say, but most of all I want to say that I thankful for the 2 ½ years of wonderful memories we were able to make.  And I am extremely thankful God choose me to be your mommy.  I hope that when it is time for God to call me home you will know ahead of time and will meet me at the gate.  I can’t wait to hold my beautiful little girl again.    

Until that day- I love you so much

Your Mommy