BEAUTY WILL RISE

Today was my first day back at work.  This morning while getting ready, I was thinking about how we would have to wake up Emma-Grace for school each day.  She was my snuggle bug and always wanted to stay up as long as you would let her each night.  She loved to be rocked and read to. In turn she was also the one who didn't want to get up each morning (unless of course it was Saturday, then she would bound out of bed).  We would take turns saying, " time to get up Emma-Grace- wakey wakey, eggs and bakey".
  
Later on the way to work I was thinking about Emma-Grace being a "night owl" and a morning "sleepy head".  Then I was imagining what it would feel like to wake up in heaven.  The day after she got sick, Emma was put into a medically induced coma to stop her seizures.  During her illness she had a few days when they tried to let her wake up, but her seizures would restart soon after they started turning the medication down.   Fairly quickly they would start increasing the medication again and she would be back into the coma.  So overall she was in a deep sleep for the 3 months prior to her death. It is a blessing to know that the second her little body quit working she awoke in heaven.  Isn't that a beautiful picture?


 I heard a song by Steven Curtis Chapman today that says:
 "Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of this darkness... new life will shine
and we'll know the joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise!"

It was a reminder to me that even though these past few months have been difficult, God has good planned from this.  It is hard for me to understand how God can bring good from the death of a child.  But I have been amazed how this little girl has touched so many lives.  Many of which had not even met her.

In Mary Beth Chapman's book "Choosing to SEE" she tells about the death of her little girl Maria Sue, who was adopted from China.  In the book Mary Beth’s son Caleb talks about how sometimes things are hard to understand.  He compared their experience to how we look at a painting, a huge mural, and if we're standing too close, it makes no sense. As we move it back further and further, the picture becomes clearer and clearer.
 
While here on earth we may never completely understand why Emma-Grace is no longer here with us.   I believe as time goes on we will see God work from this situation.  Our family's prayer is that God will use this terrible event in our life for His good.  As Steven Curtis Chapman sings, "Out of these ashes...beauty will rise.  We believe that to be true.

you tube: "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman

" Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."Hebrews 11:1

PHANTOM PAIN

There is a medical phenomenon that is called phantom pain.  It occurs after a person has had a body part (arm, leg, finger) removed.  Phantom pain is a pain that feels like it's coming from a body part that is no longer there.  Doctors once believed this post-amputation phenomenon was a psychological problem, but experts now recognize that these real sensations originate in the spinal cord and brain. 

This weekend all of the big kids were away from home.  Craig and I decided to take the little kids to Asheville on an adventure.  We spent yesterday milling around town and the mall.  Last night we checked into a hotel and let them swim until there little hearts desired. 

The wound of losing Emma-Grace is still so new, I found myself looking around for her several times throughout the day.  Then I would remember- that part of our family is no longer here.  The words phantom pain kept coming to my mind over and over.  It feels like she should still be here, but the fact is, she is not.  In my brain I know she is no longer here.  The pain I am feeling however does not originate in the brain, but originates in the heart.

For some people phantom pain improves with time.  I often tell my patients, who have lost a loved one, that with time the pain will lighten. It may never totally go away because you will always miss having that person in your life.  However, with time the pain usually gets easier to bear.  Now, I must take my own advice.
 
Suffering was not part of God's original act of creation, but it serves as a temporary reminder of what happens in a world where God's order has been broken. Pain, whether physical or emotional, can take over our lives if we let it.  Some suffering will be relieved in this life, but all of it will be relieved when God finally establishes His new heaven and new earth. 

In the Bible it says  "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  (Revelation 21:4)  The pain I am feeling is temporary, it is not forever.  As a Christian I have to remind myself- “NOW” IS NOT FOREVER.   Heaven is forever.   

As bad as my heart aches, it is a blessing to know that Emma-Grace is already getting to experience "forever".  She is no longer sick.  She is not hooked up machines.  She is able to run, play and laugh.   Things she could not do for the last 3 months.  One day, because I am a Christian, I will be in Heaven with Emma-Grace.  There we can experience forever together.  What a wonderful thing to look forward to.  Praise God!! 

Revelation 21:4-7 (New International Version)

⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

 ⁵ He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

 ⁶ He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. ⁷ Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

PRICELESS GIFT

Over the last 2 weeks I have slowly been cleaning out "stuff".  Drawers, closets, toy boxes, etc.  Today I decided to clean under things.  Emma-Grace was the "mess maker" in our house.  Not to say that other people do not contribute to the messes made in our home, she just happened to be the worse of the bunch.  She was what I liked to call my migratory mess maker.  She would "migrate" things from room to room.  Kitchen things would end up in the bathroom.  Bathroom things would move to the kitchen.  You get my drift.  And she has treasures under most items of furniture in our house.  Tonight I moved the couch to clean under and behind it.  Now I know I have cleaned in this area over the last year- I think.  However, one of the things I ran across took me by surprise.  I found a mother's day picture made by Emma-Grace's daycare from last year.  How it ended up there I will never know.  I have been praying that God would send me a "sign" from my little princess that she is OK.  Maybe this is it.  What I found was a late mother's day card from Heaven.  I remember last year thinking that I hated that her picture was taken outside in the sun and that her eyes are almost shut.  This year I am thinking, "thank you God for such a "priceless gift".  

Often when we least expect it, God sends us unexpected gifts.  Emma-Grace was one of those gifts to our family.  Many of you may have read in the caring bridge weeks ago about how Emma came to be a part of our family.  She was not the little girl we started out to adopted.  But God in His wonderful wisdom knew exactly what He was doing when He choose her for our family.  She was truly an unexpected gift from God.  She was meant to be a "Carpenter".  

Psalms 105:41 speaks of the children of Israel being in the wilderness surrounded by deserts and rocks.  Just when they were ready to give up and go back to Egypt an unexpected gift was given from an unexpected source.  Once the gift (rock) was opened it brought forth exactly what the people needed and ran down into all of the dry places.  If we let Him, God can touch all of those dry places in our lives with the moisture we desperately need.  So, today as I mourn the loss of our precious little Emma-Grace, who was an unexpected gift from God, I am thanking Him for a priceless unexpected "sign" from Heaven that she is safe in His arms. 

He opened the rock, and water gushed out; it ran in the dry places like a river. (Psalm 105:41)KJV

NEW BLOG

Hello to friends and family,
 As most of you know our little Emma-Grace passed away on May 13, 2011.  During her illness I tried to write daily to update everyone on her condition and share my feelings, frustrations.  I also tried to share with everyone what God was teaching me throughout the experience.  As hard as all of that was, it taught me a lot and helped me deal from day to day with the situation.  Now I find myself in another phase of life - The life of a grieving mom. 

Many of you have e-mailed and ask if I was going to keep writing.  First of all, you should all know, I am not a writer.  Ask any of my old English teachers and they will confirm this.  If you read any of my post you probably realize I am not a writer fairly quickly.  But, I can share what's on my heart.  I did find sharing kept me focused on what is important- and that is God and not LaLisa.  So with that said, I am going to start this blog to help me with my grieving process and to keep me focused.  I will probably not update daily, but as time allows. 

I thought an appropriate place to start this blog is by posting the last caring bridge post. 
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/emmagracecarpenter/journal

• Monday, May 16, 2011 10:26 AM, EDT

I wanted to write one last entry to Emma-Grace's Caring Bridge.  The past 13 weeks have been a blur.  At the very beginning I remember thinking, "How did we get here?"  Today I am having the same thoughts but in a different context. I had "heard" of other people who had lost a child and had always thought to myself "I cannot imagine how hard that would be."  Now I know.  It is indeed heart-breaking.  However, as much as we love Emma-Grace, I would not bring her back for anything.  I never wanted her to die.  I never wanted to be sitting here talking about grieving the fact that I will never get to hold her again this side of Heaven.  I would have rather be writing about her healing.

I had mentioned before that I am a planner.  Many of us plan out our lives in our heads. I am one of those people.  Our plans look just right with all of the pieces in place.  Our picture would probably look something like a Thomas Kinkade painting; serene and beautiful.  But, of course as we all know life is not always like that.    

Most of us, if we live long enough, will face a time in our life when what we see before us resembles something more like the aftermath of an explosion than that beautiful painting.  I am seeing that now.  With the many "things" we gathered along the way after being in the hospital for 13 weeks in various area of the house waiting to be put away.  Emma-Grace's toys of course are still literally everywhere.  You can't walk through a room without seeing her. 

I mentioned several days ago that my favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11.  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  God did have plans for Emma-Grace.  She was a ray of sunshine wherever she went.  There was not a person she was around that she did not touch in a positive way.  We only had her for 2 1/2 precious years, but we would adopt her again tomorrow even if we knew this is how her story was going to end.  She impacted our family in a way that only Emma-Grace could. 

The Bible tells us, "The ways of the Lord are right" (Hosea 14:9) How is the loss of a child "right"?  I can’t explain that one.  I do know that I have heard over and over how much everyone loved Emma-Grace and how much her little life changed them.  I know her passing will also affect each one of us in different ways.  Our family will always have beautiful memories of Emma-Grace.  She was forever saying the cutest things.  One of her favorite things to say after taking a bath was "look at me, now I am all sparkly".  I would bet she is all sparkly in heaven with a glorious set of sparking angel wings.  I am sure she loves that.

Losing Emma-Grace was not in our plans.  But God knew even before she was born, her life story.  He knew she was going to pass away on May 13, 2011.  He held her little life in His hands.  Now He is literally holding her in His arms in heaven.  Although, I am not sure how much he will get to hold her.  I can imagine she is running, playing and talking to everyone she is meeting in heaven. 

I said earlier that I would much rather be writing about her healing.   But in all reality I am writing about her healing.  We prayed for miracle, and God did perform a miracle.  Emma-Grace's little body is now whole.  She is not hooked up to a ventilator or IVs any longer.  Her life is now that beautiful water colored painting.  She is surrounded by glorious visions that we can't even imagine.     

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and support during this time difficult time of illness and loss.  We don't have to worry about Emma-Grace any longer because she is in the best place she can be- in the present of Jesus.  And as a Christian I know that this is not the last time I will see her.  I imagine one day when I get to heaven she will be standing at the gates waiting on me saying, "Hold me mommy, hold me".     

·         Revelation 21:4-7

4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

 5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

 6 He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7 Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children."