CLAY JARS



I am finally sitting down to write something for the month of October. Our family has been a little busy over the last few weeks. It has been a good thing to keep moving forward. Almost 6 months have passed since Emma-Grace's death. Actually it has been almost 9 months since she first started having seizures. February 10. In my heart- that is really the day we lost her. It is hard to believe that much time has passed. Time goes by so quickly. My heartache gets a little better as each day passes. I still find myself crying at times. I am sure that will always be the case. When we were in the hospital it was so hard for me to think of Emma-Grace well and healthy. That's when the tears would come. Now I want to remember her as a beautiful, energetic little "mess" of a girl that kept us laughing daily. The tears come now when I remember what her little body had to endure before God called her home. As a nurse of many years, who has seen a lot of "bad" things, it still is hard for me to think of all of the complications Emma's little body fought against.


The truth is- life is hard and painful at times. Adversity can "break us or make us". I can say with all certainty that the Carpenter family has had our share of difficult times. We have found that it has been during those times that we have not only become a stronger family but have all grown tremendously in our faith. The devil would like for adversity to break our spirit. For many people it often does. God however can use those times of pain and suffering as a tool to launch us into a period of meaning and purpose if we only let Him.

The Bible says "All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 NKJV Are we to conclude from this verse that everything is going to be perfect if we are a Christian? We can look all around us and see that is not the case. Bad things happen to good people all of the time. In the Bible there are many examples of God's children who suffered. There are stories of Christians who were stoned to death, beheaded and even crucified. It would be easy to think how could a loving God allow His children to suffer and in many cases die? I don't even pretend to know the answer to why God's children have to face suffering.

God wants much more for us than a life that is problem free or "perfect". We all are made by God with a purpose in mind. Often times it takes adversity for us to realize what God desires for our life. If we allow Him to, God can use difficulties to not only make us stronger but also make the people around us stronger. Adversity is one of God's most effective tools in changing lives. Difficulties may be the way God draws us and others to Him. He uses adversity to "grow us spiritually".

I am currently reading a book by Charles Stanley called, "How to Handle Adversity." I wanted to share a passage from the book.

"The degree to which we desire to grow spiritually corresponds to our ability to handle adversity successfully. Men or women who are only marginally interest in maturing as Christians will have a difficult time with adversity. Their tendency will be to blame God and become bitter. Instead of seeing adversity as something God is trying to do for them, they will see it as something He is doing to them. It is all a matter or priority and perspective. If our priorities are ease, comfort, and pleasure, we will have little tolerance for adversity. We will see it as an interruption rather than a part of God's plan for us. But when we allow God to shape our priorities, adversity takes on a whole new meaning. We see it as an integral part of what God is doing in our lives. We begin to understand that adversity is sometimes a means to greater joy and peace. We don't panic and assume God has forgotten about us. Rather, we can rejoice. Why? Because God is in the process of bringing about another good in our life."

I will be honest and say that I have on more than one occasion questioned why God would bring Emma-Grace into our lives only to take her away. As I have said before, I don't pretend to know the answer to that question. As her mom I can't even begin to explain the pain that comes when I remember holding her as she took her last few breaths. I have found that the people who seem to understand my heartache the best are people who have also lost a child. I remind myself daily that my God understands my sorrow because He also lost a child. In fact He not only lost His child, but He gave His child to die for my sins. I know my Savior not only knows how I feel but He "feels" my hurts.

While here on earth I know I will probably never fully understand Emma-Grace's death. What I do know is that while she was here, she changed our family in the best of ways. I know that this beautiful ray of sunshine effected more people in her 3 1/2 short years than many of us will in our lifetime. And I am certain for years to come, this child will continue to change lives even though she is no longer here because our family and those who knew her were forever changed and that will bring about change in those around us.

Adversity is one of the tools God uses to mold a piece of clay into a piece of pottery. As Christians we are that piece of pottery, that fragile clay pot. If we focus on our heartaches depression is bound to set it. Our despair, our brokenness, our shattered dreams, these are all elements of our jar of clay. None of these things can bring meaning or a sense of value to our lives. The Bible talks about overcoming despair in 2 Corinthians, chapter 4. If we allow God to do a work in us, kept inside that broken, fragile, ordinary jar of clay is a treasure, a priceless treasure of immeasurable worth.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.


Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:7-12; 16-18 (NIV)

When we look only at the frail clay pot, despair is the natural result, but when we look at the glorious treasure we hold, we are inwardly renewed day by day. And those adversities and frailties that cause cracks in our clay pot? They are not to be despised, for they now serve a purpose. If we let them they will allow the life of God, our cherished treasure, to seep out for all those around us to see. I pray that through the heartache of losing Emma-Grace I will allow God to mold me into that beautiful jar that will not only renew me day by day, but will spill out His glory to all those around me.

GOD IS LOVE



Yesterday in church our sermon was about God's love for us. His love is beyond anything we can imagine. He loves us no matter who we are or what we have done. He loves us even if we do not love Him back. He loves us even though there will be many days that we will disappoint Him. It is a love that is taller than the tallest mountain and deeper that the deepest sea. As a sinner saved by Grace it is still hard for me to comprehend how much God cares for me even when I am living a life that is not always pleasing to Him.

Since the passing of our little Emma-Grace, God has impressed on my heart so many times how important it is to love those around us. You never know when you may never see someone again. It doesn’t matter how often we tell others we love them; what matters is how often we show them our love. Words are important, but actions are the proof of our words. This is what God did for us. He did not just say, “I love you.” He showed us His love by sending His Son so we might live through Him.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

What has God’s love done for us?

1. It shows us what love is.
Love is sacrificing for others by giving up our own plans for them.
Love is action.

2. It has taken away God’s anger over our sins.
Jesus accepted our punishment.
Jesus took our sins upon himself.
Now God see Jesus’ righteousness when He looks at us instead of our sins.

3. God’s love has made a way for us to live.
Without Jesus, we are dead in our sins.
With Jesus, we are made alive if we live through Him.
Furthermore, the life we now live is real because it now includes a personal friendship with God.

1 John 4:7-12
Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not, knoweth not God; for God is love. In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.


Jesus stood in for us. Other people all around us each day need someone to stand in for them. We can’t take their sin away, but we can go to them and love them in the same manner that God has loved us. So, why should we love one another? Because as I John 4:12 says “No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.”

I'm not sure about you, but many times I'm guilty of not spreading God’s love like I should. We know a wonderful and loving God and we see people who need that love and yet we don't share it with them. I don't think it's because we want to greedily keep God's love to ourselves. Many times we just get so busy with our "life" that we forget the things that are most important. Our priorities a lot of times are just not where they need to be. God say we should put other firsts. We often get caught up in pride and self. I read once that we should die to ourselves daily. What does that mean? To me that means others should see God's will and His love when they see me and not LaLisa. I can say with all honestly that I need to work on that one. I am a self-admitted control freak and have a problem handing it "all" over to God.

I try to remind myself that often the only God some people will see is the God in me. Many people will never enter the doors of the church. However those same people are exposed to so called "Christians" each day. Do they see Jesus in my actions? Am I portraying a loving God? A God who loves His children no matter what? A God who loves us no matter how much money we have in the bank, no matter what color of skin we have, no matter what kind of clothes we wear or what kind of car we drive. He loves us know matter what condition or hearts are in. Do we show the same love? I can honestly say that I don't always love like I should.

Pastor Rick Hamrick said over and over yesterday that God is LOVE. That is so true. He is the ultimate example of love. Praise God for His wonderful blessing of love for a sinner like me. I pray that I will make a daily effort to love those around in a way that they may see Jesus in me.

1 John 4:16-21 
"And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us. If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also."Thank you God for you all surpassing love. Thank you for loving a sinner like me. Thank you for being the example of LOVE I need to encompass and share each day. 

BEAUTIFUL MEMORIAL

Emma-Grace's headstone was delivered today.  I am so glad it is finally at the graveyard.  I think it turned out beautifully.  Thanks to Greene's Memorial in Forest City for a great job.  Thanks to Jan Crow, one of my best friends, who was my moral support today as they placed the stone.  I know Emma-Grace is smiling in Heaven.  It think the headstone matches her personality perfectly. 

Today as I reflected on what a blessing Emma-Grace was and how much God has blessed our family through adoption I wanted to share something special.  Our Pastor Rich Hamrick officiated.at Emma's memorial service.  I think he did a wonderful job honoring our precious little girl.  He also talked about adoption and how if we are Christians, God has adopted us into His family.  I won't share the whole service but, I hope he does not mind if I share some thoughts He shared that day.  

PASTOR RICK HAMRICK:

....."The Bible says that those who are in Christ are co-heirs with Christ as sons and daughters of God.  In other words, we who believe in Jesus Christ have been adopted by God.  

 Let me read some verses from Galatians 4.  "When the time had fully come, God sent His son, born of a woman, born under law to redeem those under law that we might receive the full rights of Sons.  Because you are sons, God sent the spirit of His son into our hearts.  The spirit who calls out , " Abba Father".  So, you are no longer a slave, but a son and since you are a son, God has also made you an heir.  Now we didn't deserve this from God and we brought nothing with us and we were also a big risk for God.  Would we love God in return?  Would we rebel against god?  God knew the answeres to this question and He adopted us anyway.  

In his book, The Great House of God, Max Lucado puts it this way.  "Knowing full well the trouble you would be and the price He would pay, He signed His name next to yours and changed your name to His and took you home.  Your Abba adopted you and became your father.  And to that I would add, His blood runs through your veins.  Well, you may say you are not really blood related.  Oh, but yes.  You are.  That is the blood of Jesus Christ that was spilled that you may have this gift of God, that you can claim the bloodline of Jesus.  One of the most beautiful examples of God's love for us.  Without our deserving it, He said, "Would you be my child?  Would you come and live with me?  Can I be your Dad?"

" WHEN LOVE TAKES YOU IN " :  SONG BY STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN
SANG BY ABBY HAMRICK AT THE MEMORIAL SERVICE

When love takes you in, everything changes.  And, you know, God does that for us.  He takes us in.  He gives us a home.  He gives us a family, a place to belong.  He say, " This is yours."  He call us to live life and live it to the full.  

I just want to say a few words to the family.  You did everything conceivable.  You efforts were heroic.  I can't tell you how many people marveled at the display of love that you have shown that little girl.  And some may think, "Well she wasn't really theirs", Oh yes.  Oh yes. She was theirs.  She had their love, You did everything that anybody could figure to do and you worked at it.  You were determined.  You prayed.  You spent time with God like maybe you haven't spent time with Him before and you drew close to God......

I have heard people ask, "why didn't the miracle happen?"  Folks, God adopted Emma-Grace as well.  This is a miracle.  God loved her and cared for her that much.  That is a miracle.  Emma-Grace is living with her Savior and that is a miracle.  And she is running around and doing cartwheels and twisting all around in circles all around Jesus, I know right now.  Somebody said she is in the lap of Jesus.  I said, "I don't know if Emma-Grace is in His lap.  I think she is running around."  That is a miracle.  Oh, there have been all kinds of miracles.  Miracle after miracle.  Now we don't have Emma-Grace with us.  That is the miracle that was so desperately wanted.  But God has worked and He has blessed and He is going to. 

PRAYER:  We don't really know what to say God.  It seems terribly unfair.  We can't even begin to make any sense out of this.  Why?  Oh, but God, when we think about how much you love and care for us, when we think about how great and awesome your plans are.  When we think you are so wise and mighty that we can't even comprehend.  And then, we imagine Emma-Grace there in your presence and the picture starts to take shape.  We start to get a little bit of an understanding.  But, God, you know that there are so many people in this community, in other communities around us, people all over the world asking right now, "Why?"  God I ask that you bless each person right now who asks that question, to begin to show them the way, to begin to bring comfort to their lives.  Would you show your love as only You can.  And, Lord we pray for your mighty arm of comfort to wrap around this family.  It is hard to imagine how they might overcome this, except we know, the know you.  Thank you for being God.  Thank you for your comfort and your peace.  In Jesus name we pray, Amen. "

Thank you Pastor Rick Hamrick for the beautiful memorial service in honor of our precious Emma-Grace.  Again we thank everyone for the thoughts, prayers, hospital visits, gifts of food, gifts of money, and so many other things that were done on behalf of our precious Emma-Grace and our family during this long difficult road.  We feel so blessed to have such caring, wonderful friends and family. We can't thank you all enough.

WAVES OF GRIEF

Several weeks ago my family and I took a trip to Hilton Head Island. The first few days were very difficult because we all kept thinking about how much Emma-Grace loved the beach and how much we missed her. She would have played in the sand and water all day if you would let her. Even though we were all sad, God reminded us over and over about the wonderful times we had at the beach with Emma in the past. Overall I think getting away as a family was helpful for everyone.  We had a wonderful trip and made some beautiful new memories as a family.

Several days as I sat on the beach I thought about the similarities of grieving and the ebb and flow of the tide. It has been amazing to me how grief affects me at times. It is very much like standing in the ocean. The water can be peaceful and calm and the next thing you know a big wave comes along and plows you down. Sometimes it can even knock the breath out of you. Each day my grief seems to be getting a little easier, but just when I think I have it all under control here comes another wave. It can last a few minutes and involve a just few tears or it can go on for hours and involve crying buckets.

I want to thank everyone for continuing to remember our family in your prayers. This has been by far the hardest thing we have ever faced. Emma-Grace was a gift from God. As Christians we can say all day long- “everything we have is God’s; including our children”.  We even dedicate our children to God’s service. We did that with Emma-Grace after she came home from China. Actually acknowledging everything is God's is difficult because you know He gives you these "gifts", but you also know that He can take them away.  We knew Emma-Grace was God’s child. We knew He entrusted our family to care for her while she was here on earth. However we could have never dreamed we would have to give her back to Him so soon.

I was telling someone today about how we almost missed the opportunity to have Emma-Grace as a part of our family. The day we were to let the adoption agency know if we wanted to adopt her we almost said no. We had never planned to adopt another child. However God orchestrated an elaborate plan for Emma-Grace to enter our lives (you can read the whole story on her caring bridge sitehttp://www.caringbridge.org/visit/emmagracecarpenter/mystory). When we found out about Emma we had 6 days to pray and decide as a family if we felt lead to take her. I had every intention on calling the adoption agency at lunch time on the final day and tell them we were not going to take her because we were still unsure. But at the last minute, “literally”, God said “you can save this little girl, she is yours”. It is amazing to me how much God is waiting to bless us if we just take that first step toward His will for our lives. Even though we only had Emma-Grace for 2 ½ years, we would say yes again tomorrow. She was truly what her name says “Grace”- a gift from God. I am so thankful we stepped out in faith and was able to enjoy the wonderful blessing that Emma-Grace was.

I continue to ask myself what is the next step in this process of recovering? How do we continue to pick up the broken pieces? Although there are no simple answers to those questions, I believe that there are some conscious choices we can make to help us with the process of healing. Grief, difficult as it may be, is necessary. Otherwise I don’t think you can move on. During our grief God is there to hold and comfort us if we only let him. Jesus said: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)


The waves of grief from Emma’s death will come and go, I am certain of that. The important part is to give into the waves when they come. We cannot receive the comfort God offers unless we allow ourselves to mourn. Grieve in your prayer time. Grieve with your family and friends. I think when people attempt to "get over" sad feelings too quickly, they shortcut the work that Jesus is trying to accomplish.

In Galatians 6:2 Paul said: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Oftentimes our pride prevents us from accepting support from others. Yet if we refuse help from others, then we prohibit them from fulfilling what they feel God is leading them to do to be of service. In difficult times, God sends people our way to assist in carrying our burdens. I know for me personally the last 6 months events have placed a tremendous burden on my heart. I have needed people to help shoulder my load. I feel it is a big mistake to isolate yourselves from others when you're going through a crisis. We all need other people in a tragedy. We need their perspective, we need their support, we need their encouragement, and sometimes we just need their presence. I thank everyone who has been here for the Carpenter family. Without you I think the waves of the ocean could have very well taken us under.

When Emma-Grace was sick I talked a lot about faith. We had faith that God was going to take care of Emma, and truthfully he took care of her in the best way possible. She is now fully whole. Jesus promised "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, `Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20) Faith is facing the facts of life, and not being forever discouraged by them. That's what real faith is. It's not pretending everything is great or going to end up perfect. There are bad things in the world. And bad things do happen to good people, but faith is facing the facts and knowing that no matter what happens God is in control.  There's very little in life that we can control. In fact, I've discovered that the most important things in life are the very things we cannot control. Yet I remind myself daily that no matter what happens God holds the world and my life in his loving hands. So as the waves of life may push us around at times, keeping our eyes on our Savior Jesus Christ will help us keep our heads above the water.

"God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes, or the mountains fall into the sea." Psalms 46:2 

“The LORD above is mighty- mightier than the sound of raging water, mightier than the foaming waves of the sea.” Psalms 93:4

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMA-GRACE

Today Emma-Grace would have been turning 4 years old.  It is a bitter-sweet day for me.  I know she is happy, healthy and in the best place she could be.  I am glad she is no longer sick and in the hospital.  I imagine she is playing at the feet of Jesus.  Maybe, just maybe, she is being still long enough to sit in His lap.   And yet in my selfishness, today I wish I had her with me so that I could hold her on my lap and give her a birthday present.  I wish she was here so that she could eat all of the birthday cake she wanted.   I wish, I wish, I wish….  I could say it all day long and it would not change anything.  

The last 6 months have been, as I told someone yesterday, a nightmare.  It is still hard for me to believe my precious little girl is not here.  In my mind I keep thinking, "how did this happen?"  Children I have never met are in the obituary page of the paper, but not mine.  Which brings me to the, “how did we get here?” question.  As much as we don't want it to be, it is reality.  Our Emma-Grace is gone.  Even if we try to forget, we can’t because as a reminder of everything that has transpired, we have been in the process of dealing with hospital bills and insurance papers almost daily.  The after math of what feels like a cruel joke.  

I read in yesterday’s newspaper that a little boy who was 4 years old was beaten to death by his mother’s boyfriend.  How is that even possible?  How could anyone hurt a child?  An innocent child, who could no doubt, not defend himself against an adult.  How is that fair?  And where was his mom during this time?  It makes me wonder why some people even have children.  We loved our little Emma-Grace so much and yet she is no longer here.  I know God’s plans are perfect, but my “human” brain has such a hard time understanding some days.  As you can probably tell, I have a lot of questions to ask God when I get to Heaven.

 

One of the things we have done over the last two months is to decide on a headstone for Emma-Grace’s grave.  We wanted something unique.  Something that we felt would symbolize what a special little girl she was.  I will post a picture in a few months when it is delivered.  I think it is going to be beautiful and I think she will like it very much.  I once read that the most important thing on a headstone is the dash that is between the day you were born and the day you died.  Because that little dash represents the life you lived.  That tiny line may consist of only a few hours or a hundred years.  So in thinking about Emma-Grace’s “dash” I have been thinking about what my dash consist of.   

The Bible says we are to live a life that is pleasing to God.  I can say with all certainly that my life does not please Him at times.  Like the times I question His perfect plan for my life.  We know that God has a good plan for our lives and as Christians we are to commit to that and not settle for less than what he has for us. This truly takes faith because none of us can predict tomorrow.  When we experience the “valleys” of life it is so easy to question God’s intent for us.  We are to “be very careful how” we live. In order to live a life with true meaning, it is critical to depend on God’s strength and direction. God has the road map for the life of meaning that he has ordained for each of us.  Our job is to let Him be the compass for our map.  That is hard for control freaks like me. 

When we walk in God’s wisdom, we are “to be wise, making the most of every opportunity” (Ephesians 5:16). It is then, that we experience the true meaning of life.  Even more, as we embrace God’s purpose for our lives, we become positive influences in our jobs, families, churches, communities, and other areas of life.  As I have said before, that is easier said than done. 

In Psalm 46:10 it says “Be still, and know that I am God”.   This verse is the assurance of God’s presence in our lives if we allow Him to be.  In fact the whole chapter of Psalm 46 is a reminder that God is with us no matter what happens.  In the first section (vs. 1-3), there is an opening declaration that God is our refuge and strength; therefore, the Lord’s people need not fear even in the bleakest of circumstances.  In the second part (vs. 4-7), it says that God is the calm in the storm.  The last part (vs. 8-11) invites the people of God to consider God’s past interventions in the affairs of men as solid evidence of his abiding presence,  “The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress” (vs. 11).

Emma-Grace’s “dash” of life filled our family and those around her with beautiful memories.  I pray today that I am making the most of my “dash”.  Our Heavenly Father is interested in every aspect of our lives.  As I remember my precious little girl, I ask God for the wisdom I need as I proceed in all the areas of my life.  The most vital consideration however should not be my biological life, but my spiritual life.  So my question should not be “how did I get here?”, but “now that I am here, how can I use this difficult time in my life to glorify God”?   I think I need to work a little on my spiritual “dash”.   Today as I think about how my “dash” is affecting those around me, I think I will have a piece of birthday cake in honor of a little girl who has taught me so much from letting me be a part of her “dash”. 

NO GUILT HERE

The Wikipedia officially defines guilt as:   
The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense.^[1] It is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.^[2] It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

There are several things I know to be true.  1.  The Bible says our days are numbered (  Psalms 139:16 "You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed")..  2.  What happened to Emma-Grace is extremely rare.  3.  We pushed for and the doctors tried everything possible to save Emma-Grace.  4.  Every test done to try to figure out how to help Emma-Grace was negative.  5.  Nothing we did or did not do would have changed the outcome of Emma-Grace's illness.

Over the last few weeks the devil has really been working overtime in my brain to make me feel guilty.   He has in every way, shape and form tried to make me feel, as a mom and as a nurse practitioner, that I could have done something to keep Emma from getting sick.  I know in my heart that there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened.  My heart knows that, but the devil is trying to convince my brain otherwise.

I truly believe that as we are formed in the womb, God knows every detail of our life.  He knows the beginning, end and everything in between.  He knew Emma-Grace's biological parents for whatever reason would abandon her.  He knew she would only live for a few years and I believe He chose our family to take care of her during that time.   I heard the song "Only Grace" by Matthew West this morning on the way to work.  The words spoke to me.  
ONLY GRACE: by Matthew West
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.

I think God is trying to tell me that I have nothing to feel guilty about.  Nothing I could have done would have changed the days He had numbered for Emma-Grace.  We did what He wanted, and that was to love that precious little girl to the moon and back.  In return she gave us love in her special Emma-Grace way and was a wonderful blessing to our family.

I always find it interesting when people say, "Those children are so blessed to have you all as their family".  The truth is that we are the blessed ones to have been chosen by God to raise them as our children.    We understand that our children, biological and adopted, are a gift from God.  They are not really our children, but God's children.  He just lets us have the privilege of taking care of them while they are here on earth.  I can say that Craig and I have been truly blessed.  We are extremely proud of all of our children and the individuals they have become.  

I thank God for the short time we had with Emma-Grace.  We would adopt her again tomorrow, even if we had known the outcome.  None of us are promised tomorrow.  James 4:14-15." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away."    In other words, life is short.  God wants us to make our time on earth count.  We should be spending our time living for Him with a passion and with no regrets.  That is easier said than done.  

I think of Emma-Grace's short time with us and I am reminded of a quote from the movie  Steel Magnolias  "I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."   God has richly blessed us with great children.  Emma-Grace was no exception.  Having her for 2 1/2 short years was definitely wonderful.  I hate to even think about the incredible blessings we would have missed if we had not follow God's call to adopt her.  

I have decided that no matter how hard he tries, I am not going to let the devil defeat me.  The only thing I have to feel guilty about is that I have let the him control way too many of my thoughts.  Instead I need to be giving this battle over to God and letting Him fight this spiritual warfare for me.  So as it says in Matthew 16:23  "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." 

    

HOLD MY HAND

My little Emma-Grace loved to hold hands.  Most nights she wanted to go to sleep holding my hand.  Each night she would ask to be beside my bed. She was still in a crib which luckily had wheels on it.  I would roll the crib beside my bed and lay beside her and we would hold hands until she dozed off.  If I was busy and could not lie down yet she still wanted me to roll the crib over beside my bed.  That way when I did go to bed,  if she awoke in the night, she could reach over to touch me and I would then hold her hand until she could go back to sleep.

During the day Emma-Grace constantly wanted to be held.  When we went somewhere she would want to walk beside someone in the family and hold their hand that is if she was not being held.  She is what I like to call a Velcro baby.  She was constantly attached to someone.  I have to admit that there were more times than one that I found this to be frustrating.  On the day she got sick her last words to me were "hold me mommy, hold me".  Looking back I am thankful for her clinging nature.  I am grateful for every minute that God let me hold that wonderful little girl. She helped me realize how precious even the smallest moments in life are. 

I remember when my older children were younger thinking that if I had only know the day that they were going to ask me to hold them for the last time, before they grew too big, I would have held them longer.  I would have rocked them more.  I would have slowed down and spent more time doing just "silly stuff".  However before I knew it, they are growing older, getting heavier and being “big” kids that didn’t need me as much.  

As children of God he is always present for us.  The good thing is we can never be too young or too old.  It doesn't matter how little or how long we have been a Christian.  We can have small problems or big problems.  God doesn't care.  If we call out His name He will be there for us.  That may be to walk beside us, to hold our hand or carry us.  He is and will be whatever we need at the moment.  Praise God!  I know I could not have made it through the last 5 months without His presence in my life.  I often wonder how people survive difficulties without God.  

Isaiah 41:10 10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

There's something about physical touch that brings comfort and stability in an uncertain world.  God designed us to feel comfort from the touch of others.  I don't mean that in an inappropriate way.  I just think that in this techno world that we live in now, we have forgotten the importance of reaching out to those in need.  We text or e-mail each other instead of picking up the phone and actually talking to someone.  I am just as guilty as anyone of this.  We have become so busy with our own lives we can't see that there are people in need all around us. 

The New Testament is filled with stories of Jesus touching those around Him.  He laid His hands on women who had been scorned, the sick who needed healing, children dancing at His feet and lepers ashamed of their bodies. The mere touch of Him healed the physically and spiritually sick.  I picture His hands always reached out to someone.  What a beautiful picture that is.  

There are times in our lives that we aren't sure if we can face another minute or even take another step alone.  Things are utter chaos in our lives.  We may be facing discouragement, sickness, financial distress, unemployment, death, depression or things no one knows except for us and God.  How excited our Heavenly Father would probably be if we would just look up and ask for Him to hold us during our time of need.  His hands are waiting.  We just have to be willing to reach out to them.  Praise God for His willingness to take care of us.  

I pray that as a child of God, He will make me more aware of those around me that are in need of someone to "care".  And that I will be willing to be the hands and feet of God and provide the healing touch they might need.  

"The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."  Footprints in the sand by Carolyn Carty, 1963

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

I had mentioned in my last post that Allyson was upset that she never got to tell her sister good-bye.  Our plan was for Ally to send Emma-Grace a letter telling her anything she wanted to.  After deciding to do this, Katie, Christopher, Allyson and I all decided to write a letter to Emma and then send them by balloon "airmail".  The kids loved the idea and took several days actually getting their letters written.  After it was all said and done we proceeded to gather the balloons for the event.  We were finally ready to send out our letters yesterday.  All in all it took 6 mylar balloons and 10 latex balloons to lift the letters up into the sky.  Talk about heavy duty letters.  

I have to admit I did peak at Christopher's and Allyson's letters to see what they wanted to tell their sister.  I know, "bad mama".    However I will say I was quite impressed with their maturity and the things they told their little sister.  They both talked about how much they loved her, how they did not want her to have to die and that they missed her very much.   All things I know everyone in the family also feels, but I was amazed at how well at 9 and 10 years old they were able to verbalize this in their letters.  

The actual send off of the balloons could not have worked out better.  I came in from work and the sun was just about to set in the sky.  We took the special package up the hill in behind our house as to avoid the balloons getting caught in the surrounding trees.  I took pictures to remember the event by.  Chris and Ally let the letters attached to the strings of the balloons go and we watched as they rose up into the sky.  As we looked up to follow the balloons on their journey what did we see but a beautiful rainbow in the horizon.  We watched at the balloons slowly but surely made their way up and over the rainbow and then out of sight.  What a beautiful sign from God letting us know our precious little Emma-Grace is with Him

.  

"As the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud in the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness round about. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face, and I heard a voice of one that spake." - Ezekiel 1:28

In the Bible there are rainbows mentioned in the beginning, middle, and end of scripture. Near the beginning in Genesis, God sends a rainbow as His covenant that He will never again flood all the earth as punishment for human sin. In the middle, in Ezekiel, the rainbow symbolizes the coming of Christ, as well as to declare the glory of God. And in Revelation, at the end of God's Word, John described Christ as "clothed with a cloud and a rainbow on His head," a symbol of peace and reconciliation with God.

In the Bible God often used symbols to show us His goodness and righteousness.   God gave us the rainbow as a symbol of the trustworthiness of His promises - as a symbol of hope in Him.  God gave the symbol of the rainbow to Noah and all of us after the great flood. He gave it to us to say He keeps His promises.  I think He continues to let us see rainbows even now to remind us of His wonderful promises. 

As Christians we often think our lives should be without adversity.  But God never promised us a life free of pain. As most of us have experienced in one way or another trials do come.  We aren’t immune to adversity, but God has promised that he will keep us safe in the storm.  When trails come, often it may be hard to hear God amidst the sounds of the storm.  However, we can rest assured that no matter how loud or violent the tribulation, He is there right beside us.  After all of the wind, thunder and rain are gone, He reminds us of His love with the beautiful stillness and a rainbow in the sky. 

Sometimes we need a little heavenly reminder, that we much choose to see, to believe that miracles can come through the trials of life. The most beautiful rainbows are those that come from storms that rage the roughest. For in seeking out the miracle in the trial, we’ll find our rainbow in the flood and God’s promises through the storm. After all, I once read that you can’t even spell rainbow without rain. 

I think yesterday's rainbow was a beautiful example of God's love for our family. A promise, that as His children, He goes to prepare a place for us, just like He did for Emma-Grace.  A place that is more precious to me now than ever.  Especially since I know my little Emma-Grace will be waiting on me at the gates of Heaven.  Well, at least in my letter to Emma I ask her to wait for me at the gates, so that's how I am planning it anyway.  

And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth."  Genesis 9: 12-13

NO RESERVES. NO RETREATS. NO REGRETS.

Today Allyson, my 9 year, old told me she is mad at God because she did not get to tell her little sister good-bye before she died.  She went on to talk about how it makes her sad to look at pictures of Emma smiling because she thought Emma was not happy anymore, but sad because she had to die.  We had a long talk about how sick Emma-Grace was and that even though we are sad, Emma-Grace is not sad anymore. I explained that Emma is well now, no longer having seizures or hooked to machines.  It is hard to explain all of the "whys" of death to a nine year old.  I told Allyson about how the Bible says our days are numbered and that God knew before Emma-Grace was born that she was going to get sick and die when she was 3 1/2 years old.  He also knew that Emma had no one to love her in China and that she needed a family.  We were blessed to be chosen by God to be her family and love her for 2 1/2 years.  I told Allyson that she had been a great big sister to Emma and had shown her the best "sister love" ever.

A great friend of mine suggested I have Ally and her brother Chris write Emma-Grace a letter.   In it they could tell her how much they loved her and good-bye.  When they are done writing, we are to tie the letters to a helium balloon and let it go so that we are sending their letters up to heaven.  Ally seemed excited with this idea, so that is the project for tomorrow.  I told her she could write a letter, draw pictures or both.  I explained to her it could be private, something she wanted only to tell Emma, but not us if she wanted.  Her tears dried up and she seemed satisfied with the plan.  I am sure this is not the last talk we will have about Emma and how much she loved her.  They were great friends.  She told me tonight that when I was not home she was Emma's little mommy.  If you know Allyson, you know this is true.

  

God doesn't guarantee any of us how long we will live.  I think having your child die makes this so much more of a reality.  A mother should never outlive her child.  The fact is that some people never live past infancy and other people surpass the century mark.  The Bible says our days on earth are like a vapor.  As Christians we need to recognize how short life really is.  That's why we have been commissioned by God to spread the good news of salvation.  "And then he told them, "Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone" Mark 16:15.  The best thing is that this is just the beginning if we are a Christian.  Life in Heaven is forever.  I was reading a devotion about the brevity of life written by Tom Rutherford, a missionary who lives in Japan.  He wrote:   

Realizing that life is short can help us to properly value things.
 
When we realize that life is short, things take on a different value.

Things of eternal value become much more important.

I was blessed by reading some things said in an interview by Rick Warren the author of "The Purpose Driven Life" and the pastor of Saddleback Church in California. Here’s a summary of what he said.

“People ask me, what is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes for my life?
 
I would like to close by sharing a little about a man who did indeed live a short life. His name is William Borden.

Throughout the history of missions, many missionaries have lived very short lives. William Borden is one of them. In fact he died before he even reached the mission field. William was the heir to the Borden Dairy estate. He was a millionaire before he graduated from high school. But he was willing to let everything go to follow God’s call to the mission field. He wrote in his journal, "say no to self & yes to Jesus every time." The Lord called him to reach out to the Kansu people in China. Since the Kansu people were Muslim, William stopped in Egypt to study Arabic before traveling on to China. However, while in Egypt he contracted spinal meningitis and within a month he died at age 25. Prior to his death, William had written these six words in the back of his Bible:  No Reserves. No Retreats. No Regrets.

William Borden was a man who seemed to have a good handle on the shortness of life and the need to invest all he had in the things of Christ. 

I love the quote: "NO RESERVES, NO RETREATS, NO REGRETS."  If only we could all say that.  I pray today that I am reminded daily that this life is just a vapor and by remembering that I live everyday as if it were my last.
 
“Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.” James 4:14

MAKING MEMORIES

This past Monday I took 3 of my children to Carowinds for the day.  I think the last time I was there was about 10 years ago.  Things had changed a little, but overall it was the same.  My goal was to keep our minds busy and to start making new memories with my children.  Despite the heat we all had a great time.  This got me to thinking about using our lives to make lasting memories. 

Emma-Grace's physical presence is no longer in our home.  However there will always be her memories through-out the house.  She has fingerprints literally on most of the door facings and walls (marks that I am purposely not washing off, so if you come to my house you will just have to ignore them).  Her pictures are still hanging on the walls and sitting on tables.  But even if all of that disappeared we still would feel the essence of her here and will always have beautiful memories of her not only in our home but also in our hearts and minds. 

There is a Bible verse in the book of Luke that talks about Mary, Jesus mother.  It is a short verse, but holds so much meaning if you look at it closely.  "But Mary treasured all of these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19.  As a young mother of Jesus, Mary already knew that it is the little things that matter. I'm sure she was pondering all of the wonderful memories that were made on that Holy night.  She probably could tell you even the smallest details.  The smallest sounds, the smells, and the visions that she beheld that night were imprinted in her brain. 

Often times we don't realize how the most insignificant moments can become very important times of our lives. Sometimes we do not recognize the significance of those events until they are in the past.  Where we were?   Who we were with?   What we were doing?   I wonder how different our lives would be without those sometimes simple moments.  Or for that matter, how different the lives around us would be.  

After Emma-Grace's passing I, like Mary, have pondered many things in my heart. Many of the memories I have, that most people would probably consider insignificant, are now wonderful treasures to me.  Just a few things that she would do included:  calling bananas- "tonanas", shake her bottom and say she was shaking her tail feathers (I bet you can guess who taught her that); run naked through the house after taking a bath and say "I'm all sparkly now"; and my all time favorite, she would say, "I am everybody's baby". 

I rarely noticed some of her cute little antics at times, but now without them, it is very evident they are gone.  It would be impossible for me to explain all the ways this precious little girl has affected our family.  She has left an indelible mark on all of us, a scar from which we will never fully recover, but one which has left a beautiful place in each of our hearts.  As Mary recognized in the Bible, it is the little things that often matter the most. 

The world in which we live in demands blockbuster moments at times.  Many people want bigger, better, louder moments of life.  The world will always cry for the spectacle.  In our lifetimes we will all have little and big events.  However it may be that the most fragile or small times of our lives that are what someone may remember the most. Emma-Grace has left a beautiful mark upon my heart.  I pray, as I live this life that God has blessed me with, that I am making my mark on those around me.  Not just any mark, but the mark of unconditional love and compassion, the kind of love that Jesus has so freely given to me. 

"But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart" Luke 2:19

JOY AND SORROW

I got a call from Emma-Grace's pre-school teacher this week saying she was cleaning out her room for the year and she had a few of  Emma's things for me to come and pick up if I wanted them.  Of course I wanted them, but that meant going back to the school that Emma loved so much, which I knew would be hard for me.  At any rate I made the trip to the school yesterday morning because I knew I would kick myself later if I didn't.

To say the visit to the school was difficult for me is an understatement.  Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing her teachers and I love Spindale Elementary.  Being at the school brought back so many memories of a wonderful time in Emma-Grace's little life.  Her folder of "stuff" was filled with pictures of her laughing and playing that I had never even seen before.  I am so glad to have them.  It helps me remember her so full of life. 

I have decided that mourning Emma-Grace is filled with joy and sorrow.  How is that?  How can you feel both emotions in this time of loss? How can joy and sorrow even exist at the same time?

I have joy because Emma-Grace is no longer sick.  I know she is with her Heavenly Father.  Her little body is no longer hooked to machines and she is not hurting.  She is no longer in a coma, but awake and running on the streets of gold. Her little body is whole, there are no incisions or sores (she had 7 surgeries in her 3 month hospital stay and a large pressure sore on the back of her scalp from lying in the bed for so long).  She is able to eat and play; things she had not done for 3 months. 

I have sorrow because she is no longer here with me.  She was my baby; a mama’s girl.  I feel like there is a large hole in my heart.  There will be no more birthdays to celebrate, no elementary school, no high school graduation, no wedding, and no children for Emma-Grace.  It hurts me to even think about such.  She was still so dependent on me.  I feel like I am lost at times not having her here to occupy my time. 

There is a song that says "He gives and takes away".  Which is true, but to be honest, I wish it did not have to end this way.  Do I have moments of questioning?  Times when I wonder why God decided to take her home?  Sure I do.  As a Christian I have to make a choice of whether to be selfish and bitter regardless of my understanding or to use this opportunity to point others to Jesus.  I choose the later; to worship Him even while my heart is broken. I believe that everything that happens in our lives, however difficult, is an opportunity to bring glory to Him name. 

In the book "When the Heart Waits" Sue Monk Kidd says “A crisis is a holy summons to cross a threshold.  It involves both leaving behind and a stepping toward, a separation and an opportunity."  If we live long enough we all will have times of crisis.  Do we hold it against God or cross that threshold and put that pain in the hands of Heavenly Father?  We can either spend the rest of our days focused on our hurt or loss, or we can cross that threshold and let God bless us with the grace to believe that what lies ahead will glorify Him. 

I know I have been called to exalt the Lord no matter the circumstances, but that doesn't mean it has to make sense to me.  Many things in this life are not meant to be understood.   Our role as a Christian is to trust God and know that when there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to help us carry those burdens.  We are simply not strong enough to bear some things on our own. Jesus died on the cross and invites us to see grace where there is pain and to see resurrection where there is death. 

All of this is easier said than done.  I have found that I have to die daily to LaLisa and put Christ first.  Otherwise I couldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other.  I don’t think I will ever truly understand why Emma-Grace was taken from us while here on earth.  I know that one day, when I get to heaven, it will all make better sense to me.  Until then I pray that God will give me the strength to walk from day to day; whether that day holds joy or sorrow; all the while praising His Holy Name. 

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn... You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20 NIV

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7 NIV