I got a call from Emma-Grace's pre-school teacher this week saying she was cleaning out her room for the year and she had a few of Emma's things for me to come and pick up if I wanted them. Of course I wanted them, but that meant going back to the school that Emma loved so much, which I knew would be hard for me. At any rate I made the trip to the school yesterday morning because I knew I would kick myself later if I didn't.
To say the visit to the school was difficult for me is an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing her teachers and I love Spindale Elementary. Being at the school brought back so many memories of a wonderful time in Emma-Grace's little life. Her folder of "stuff" was filled with pictures of her laughing and playing that I had never even seen before. I am so glad to have them. It helps me remember her so full of life.
I have decided that mourning Emma-Grace is filled with joy and sorrow. How is that? How can you feel both emotions in this time of loss? How can joy and sorrow even exist at the same time?
I have joy because Emma-Grace is no longer sick. I know she is with her Heavenly Father. Her little body is no longer hooked to machines and she is not hurting. She is no longer in a coma, but awake and running on the streets of gold. Her little body is whole, there are no incisions or sores (she had 7 surgeries in her 3 month hospital stay and a large pressure sore on the back of her scalp from lying in the bed for so long). She is able to eat and play; things she had not done for 3 months.
I have sorrow because she is no longer here with me. She was my baby; a mama’s girl. I feel like there is a large hole in my heart. There will be no more birthdays to celebrate, no elementary school, no high school graduation, no wedding, and no children for Emma-Grace. It hurts me to even think about such. She was still so dependent on me. I feel like I am lost at times not having her here to occupy my time.
There is a song that says "He gives and takes away". Which is true, but to be honest, I wish it did not have to end this way. Do I have moments of questioning? Times when I wonder why God decided to take her home? Sure I do. As a Christian I have to make a choice of whether to be selfish and bitter regardless of my understanding or to use this opportunity to point others to Jesus. I choose the later; to worship Him even while my heart is broken. I believe that everything that happens in our lives, however difficult, is an opportunity to bring glory to Him name.
In the book "When the Heart Waits" Sue Monk Kidd says “A crisis is a holy summons to cross a threshold. It involves both leaving behind and a stepping toward, a separation and an opportunity." If we live long enough we all will have times of crisis. Do we hold it against God or cross that threshold and put that pain in the hands of Heavenly Father? We can either spend the rest of our days focused on our hurt or loss, or we can cross that threshold and let God bless us with the grace to believe that what lies ahead will glorify Him.
I know I have been called to exalt the Lord no matter the circumstances, but that doesn't mean it has to make sense to me. Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. Our role as a Christian is to trust God and know that when there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to help us carry those burdens. We are simply not strong enough to bear some things on our own. Jesus died on the cross and invites us to see grace where there is pain and to see resurrection where there is death.
All of this is easier said than done. I have found that I have to die daily to LaLisa and put Christ first. Otherwise I couldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t think I will ever truly understand why Emma-Grace was taken from us while here on earth. I know that one day, when I get to heaven, it will all make better sense to me. Until then I pray that God will give me the strength to walk from day to day; whether that day holds joy or sorrow; all the while praising His Holy Name.
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"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
You have a way with words! Thanks so much for sharing!
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