The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense.[1] It is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.[2] It is closely related to the concept of remorse.
There are several things I know to be true. 1. The Bible says our days are numbered ( Psalms 139:16 "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed").. 2. What happened to Emma-Grace is extremely rare. 3. We pushed for and the doctors tried everything possible to save Emma-Grace. 4. Every test done to try to figure out how to help Emma-Grace was negative. 5. Nothing we did or did not do would have changed the outcome of Emma-Grace's illness.
Over the last few weeks the devil has really been working overtime in my brain to make me feel guilty. He has in every way, shape and form tried to make me feel, as a mom and as a nurse practitioner, that I could have done something to keep Emma from getting sick. I know in my heart that there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened. My heart knows that, but the devil is trying to convince my brain otherwise.
I truly believe that as we are formed in the womb, God knows every detail of our life. He knows the beginning, end and everything in between. He knew Emma-Grace's biological parents for whatever reason would abandon her. He knew she would only live for a few years and I believe He chose our family to take care of her during that time. I heard the song "Only Grace" by Matthew West this morning on the way to work. The words spoke to me.
ONLY GRACE: by Matthew West
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace
You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…
And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…
There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.
I think God is trying to tell me that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing I could have done would have changed the days He had numbered for Emma-Grace. We did what He wanted, and that was to love that precious little girl to the moon and back. In return she gave us love in her special Emma-Grace way and was a wonderful blessing to our family.
I always find it interesting when people say, "Those children are so blessed to have you all as their family". The truth is that we are the blessed ones to have been chosen by God to raise them as our children. We understand that our children, biological and adopted, are a gift from God. They are not really our children, but God's children. He just lets us have the privilege of taking care of them while they are here on earth. I can say that Craig and I have been truly blessed. We are extremely proud of all of our children and the individuals they have become.
I thank God for the short time we had with Emma-Grace. We would adopt her again tomorrow, even if we had known the outcome. None of us are promised tomorrow. James 4:14-15." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." In other words, life is short. God wants us to make our time on earth count. We should be spending our time living for Him with a passion and with no regrets. That is easier said than done.
I think of Emma-Grace's short time with us and I am reminded of a quote from the movie Steel Magnolias "I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." God has richly blessed us with great children. Emma-Grace was no exception. Having her for 2 1/2 short years was definitely wonderful. I hate to even think about the incredible blessings we would have missed if we had not follow God's call to adopt her.
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