Final Post: A Love Letter for Emmie

Over the last 12 months my family has experienced one of the hardest things a person can face.  I really can’t imagine anything worse than losing a child.  We not only lost our Emma-Grace, but we watched as our precious little girl suffered a terrible, unexplainable death.  My heart is and will never be the same.  Apart of me will always be missing. 

As I approach the 1 year anniversary of losing our little Emmie I wanted to write my final entry of the “Heart of a Mom” blog.   The actual day Emma-Grace passed away is May 13 which falls on mother’s day this year.  Need I say more?  My heart aches just thinking about that.  So I really wanted to write this prior to the actual day, when I know my mind will be occupied with many other things. 
     
I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for letting me share this journey of grief with you.  It is a journey that I know will encompass the rest of my life.  I am aware that reading the caring bridge and the blog have not been easy at times.  Many of you loved Emma-Grace too and I know her death affected more than just our family.  Thank you for your love and concern for each one of us.  We love you all. 
 

As I thought about what I wanted to write as my final entry, I decided to write a love letter.  A letter dedicated to my beautiful little girl.  I hope you do not mind and will indulge me in this, the final journal entry.  

 My dearest little Emmie,

This past year without you has been so hard on mommy.  My heart is broken and I have cried more in the last year than I have ever cried.  I am sad for me, daddy and all of your brothers and sisters.  We all love you so much and feel blessed that God placed you with our family.  We miss you more than words can express, but know that you are in the most wonderful place now.  I cannot even imagine the beautiful things you are experiencing in heaven.  

I remember the day they first placed you in my arms.  I knew immediately that you were meant to be my little girl.  You loved to cuddle and from day one you were what we liked to call our “Velcro baby”.  Someone was always holding you- you made sure of that.  When you started to talk I am sure some of the first words you said were "hold me".  It is a wonder you ever learned to walk because for a while your feet never touched the ground.  

You used to say, "I am everybody's baby".  And that you were.  From the beginning you were very possessive of your family and would say “my mommy”, “my daddy”, “my brother”, “and my sister”.  This to me confirmed over and over God had planned from the beginning of time that you were supposed to be with our family. 

 

Each day holds special memories for me.  I wake up every day and think about how you loved to climb into bed with mommy and daddy in the mornings.  You would close your eyes and act like you were snoring.  Then you would just laugh.  You had the best laugh.  

You were mommy’s nap buddy on Sunday afternoon.  I remember multiple times when we would lay down and I would have my eyes closed and you would lean over and rub, kiss my face and say “I love you mommy”.  You wanted to sleep right beside me.  I would wake up with your arms, legs or feet on top of me.   I miss that.  

I drive by your preschool and remember how you cried when you first started attending.  But after several weeks you loved school.  You especially loved the craft center.  You would draw, glue and paint all day if they would have let you.  I remember thinking on the last day you went to school how independent you had become.  You were so proud because you were now a big girl and not afraid.   You were able to sign yourself in because you had learned how to write “Emma”.  Mrs. Roberts said they had never had a 3 year old who could write their own name.  We talked about how smart you were on that last day.

All of your school friends are getting their kindergarten physicals now.  It is hard for me to look at them and not remember the conversations we had about you going to big girl school one day.  You were so excited about being able to ride the bus with Chris and Allyson.  We would probably be talking about you turning 5 years old and who your teacher would be.  I am sorry you will never get to do those things. 

At my work office I remember the “messes” you would make eating snacks in the back room.  You would come in the office every day looking for a “snack”.  You loved to eat and would leave a trail of crumbs wherever you went. 

 

At home you would get up from the supper table and within the hour be asking for food.  I would say “but you just ate supper” and you would say, “I know, but that was supper and I want a snack”.  I imagine in heaven you have your choice of all types of wonderful foods.  I am sure you love that.

Each night we would sit in my rocker and read books.  You loved to read.  “I want to read 5 books mommy.”  “No Emma-Grace, let’s read 2 books.”  “No 5 books.”  This was our nightly conversation.  You won most of the time.  I am so glad for every second we spent reading all of you favorite books.  

On Sunday mornings after putting on your dress you would prance around and twirl in circles.  You loved to dress up.  Your daddy would just make the biggest deal about how beautiful you looked and you would just beam.  When we would get to church I remember vividly watching you run down the hall to Sunday school.  So many people at church miss seeing your bright little face. 

You gave the most wonderful love to your brothers and sisters.  When they would come home you would meet them at the door and say “brother hug” or “sisters hug” and squeeze them so tight.   They loved it.  You had them all wrapped around your little finger.  You were the only person who could get away with calling Michael “Mikey” and Josh “Joshy”.   They all miss you so much.  

You loved to go to the store because in your mind that meant you were going to get a “surprise”.  You would always ask for M&Ms.  In fact it was a daily thing for you to ask me to stop at the store and get a bug juice and a pack of M&Ms.  Of course we didn’t, but you would ask anyway. 

To say you were stubborn is an understatement.  If you didn’t want to do something it was like pulling teeth to get you to do whatever it was.  Something simple as getting your picture made would be a major undertaking.  For some reason you hated it and would make it well known.  During our Hilton Head beach photo shot you rolled around in the sand in your pretty white dress.  I laugh now when I thing about it. 

I am so sorry you got sick.  I wish so much I could have prevented such a terrible illness.  So many people tried to figure out what was wrong and how to make you well.  But we just could not defeat whatever it was.  Your stubborn streak came out and you fought so hard.  We all felt sure you were going to get better.  One of the doctors at the hospital said you were stubborn in the best of ways.  I agree.  I think that is how you held on for 13 weeks.  But in the end your little body just couldn’t fight any more.  Ultimately I know that it was God's time to call you home.  I am glad you are now healthy and able to run and play.  I know it must be wonderful to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father. 

Even though we all had to go on with our lives after you passed away, I wanted you to know that not a day goes by that I am not constantly thinking of you. I see you all around me every day.  I think that will always be the case.  Your essence is in so many places.  Each day there are things that I see or things that happen that remind me of you. Those beautiful memories of you have sustained me many days.  Days that I really did not want to go on.  But I can hear you now saying “don’t cry mommy, smile.   I am OK.  I’m with Jesus now.”  

Lastly, I wanted to tell you about the newest member of our family.  Her name is Anna-Leigh.  She is in China waiting for us to bring her home.  She needs a mommy just like you did.  I know you would have been the best big sister.  I can just see you now trying to tell her what to do and giving her “sister hugs”.  I imagine you will be watching over her and our entire family from heaven. When she is older I will tell her all about what a wonderful sister she has waiting for all of us in heaven.  

There are so many other things I could say, but most of all I want to say that I thankful for the 2 ½ years of wonderful memories we were able to make.  And I am extremely thankful God choose me to be your mommy.  I hope that when it is time for God to call me home you will know ahead of time and will meet me at the gate.  I can’t wait to hold my beautiful little girl again.    

Until that day- I love you so much

Your Mommy

NO GREATER LOVE

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15: 9-13 (NIV)


Legend tells us that during the Roman Empire, there lived a Christian physician whose heart was touched with the needs of his fellow brothers and sisters who were being persecuted. This man loved others so much that he put his own life at risk by providing medical treatment to those whom the emperor chose to punish. As a result, this great doctor himself was thrown into prison. His love and compassion continued to flow even there as he shared his faith with those around him. He even shared his faith with the emperor who imprisoned him, trying to convert him to Christianity. As a result the emperor had him beaten and then beheaded. Following his death, Christians began sending messages of love to each other as a continual remembrance of this unselfish man named Valentine. Thus began the tradition of Valentine’s Day and the symbol of love it invokes.

Love is an emotion that even scholars can’t explain at times. It’s been called a phenomenon, a mysterious and splendid thing. It’s as invisible as the air we breathe, yet equally essential. Poets have tried to describe it. Philosophers have sought to understand it. Yet the mystery, miracle and feelings of love remain indescribable to many.

Long before Valentine’s Day tradition began, God gave the first gift of love. He gave His son as a sacrifice for our sins because He loves us so much. This was the foundation of true love. It is a love beyond all boundaries. Without this love there would be no celebration of love today. Love is one of the deepest and most fulfilling treasures God has ever given us. That gift transcends outward symbols and trivial attempts to explain it. Without His love, we wouldn’t experience God’s mercy, His Salvation or His joy. Once received, the deep abiding love of Christ in our hearts will overflow into every aspect of our lives. Real love, the kind of love that sacrificed all for you and me, came in human form to unite our hearts to God’s. What an amazing gift God has given us – not only to observe, but also to miraculously experience! His Word proclaims it to be greater than hope and faith. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13) NIV

Do we desire to love more and experience more love in our life? God’s word encourages us to follow God’s example of love in loving one another. Our Heavenly Father is the Author and Creator of love and he invites us to wrap ourselves and others in this extraordinary gift that was hand delivered by Him. “No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” (1 John 4:12) NIV

Because of the romantic symbols we use to celebrate Valentine’s Day, we forget that St. Valentine actually lost his life because of his love for God. Beyond the glamour of roses and chocolates that help us celebrate the world’s view of romantic love, we find a man who gave his all for the love of his Savior. St. Valentine truly knew what it meant to be a follower of Christ. This man spent his life serving others. He died severing Christ. Few of us will ever be called on to actually give up our lives for those we love, but how much are we willing to sacrifice? Time? Energy? Money? Words? Our own wants and desires? The example of the Lord Jesus Christ shows us that love indeed is an action-not just a feeling. As we approach Valentine’s Day, we should remember where love first came from…our Father in Heaven.

As a closing to my blog about love I wanted to tell everyone about my family’s love without boundaries. As most people can see our family is “different”. Is that different good or different bad. Some would say we are “different- crazy”. We had a family of 5 and felt called by God to extend our love to 3 children in need of a family. I would say we needed them as much as they needed us. Does that make us crazy- maybe so? Before Emma-Grace ever got sick we had started talking about bringing another child into our family. As most ever one knows we lost our little “Emmie” last year despite the heroic efforts of many people. We continue to grieve that precious little girl who brought so much joy into our home. I had mentioned before that even though we have suffered a great loss, we could not be afraid to love again. God calls us to love and care for His children. The Bible commands us to care for the orphans. We feel God has blessed us with a wonderful family with an abundance of love to share. So- I said all of that to say - later this year we will be bringing another child home. Her name is Anna-Leigh Yin Carpenter. She will be approximately 22 months by the time we bring her home from China. Will we be older parents?- yes. Are we old enough to be her grandparents?-yes. Will we be even older and grayer before she graduates high school?- yes. But do we have the love and compassion to give another child a home? Yes, yes, and yes. We are all excited and can’t wait to see what this new chapter of life holds for us. Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers for our family, we love you all. Attached is a picture of a newest addition, we think she is beautiful.

THANKFUL IN ALL THINGS

As I sit down tonight to reflect on the past year I am amazed how many emotions come to mind. Joy, happiness, fulfillment, love, disbelief, anger, fear, and sorrow are just a few feelings that run through my brain. I feel this year has brought every conceivable emotion on the spectrum from good to bad. Not only had there been many emotions, but emotions that could change on a dime. Needless to say it has been a very hard year for my family. It is difficult for me to believe we are now into 2012. This past year has been somewhat of a blur to me. I have decided that maybe that is a good thing. I think it is one way God protects us from being so overwhelmed with life.


Over the last few weeks we have celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas. A time where we reflect on the past year and the things and people we are grateful for. In the Bible it says we are to be thankful in all things. Scripture tells us, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thess. 5:16-18). As easy as that sounds on paper I have found it to be extremely hard at times. God isn’t saying to be thankful that something awful has happened. He knows we are human, we get hurt, and we lose hope, and suffer grief. No, rather he wants us to give thanks in the face of it. Not just when things are going our way. I am reminded that we are to recognize the blessings in our life each day. Not just on the good days. Thankfulness is not a once a year “holiday”. I believe we need to daily cultivate a heart of thanksgiving. We are to give thanks in all things, not some things, not the great and wonderful things, but in everything.

On Thanksgiving Day I awoke and right away the devil started whispering in my ear reasons I should not be thankful. “What do you have to be thankful for- your little girl is gone”. It would have been easy to give in to those thoughts. But I prayed about it and God started reminding me all of the blessings he pours out on my family daily. Yes, we did lose our precious Emma-Grace this year, but there are so many things to be thankful for. I wanted to list just a few things that I am personally grateful for.

1. I am thankful that even though I am a sinner, God loves me no matter what and he sent His son to die for my sins.

2. I am thankful for a family that loves the Lord. All of my children have made professions of faith.

3. I am thankful that God brought a beautiful little girl name Fuyan Dang (Emma-Grace) into our lives and gave us 2 ½ years with her.

4. I am thankful that little girl taught our family so much about life and love and drew our family closer than ever.

5. I am thankful that Emma-Grace is now with her Heavenly Father and is no longer sick and lying in a hospital bed hooked to machines and IVs.

6. I am thankful God spared us from having to see Emma-Grace in no other way than that little smart, silly, bubbly, lovey girl that she was.

7. I am thankful that God has brought my family through the most difficult year I can imagine. Not only are we together but our bond is stronger than ever.

8. I am thankful for family and friends who have been beside of us each step of the way.

Losing a child is an unbearable burden, an indescribable despair. I admit I have struggled with how to be thankful in the face of that. My sorrow has been deep and wide. It is a sorrow that I have a hard time even putting into words. It would have been easy to just go to bed and not get up. However with God’s grace I HAVE been able to get up. I HAVE been able to return to work. I HAVE been able to take care of my family in their time of sorrow. And I HAVE a hope for tomorrow. ”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “ (Jeremiah 29:11) And for all of those things I am thankful.

In the midst of my sorrow I have reminded myself to do a peculiar thing. I have tried even on the worst of days to find something to be thankful for. I am thankful Emma-Grace was placed with our family and that we had 2 1/2 precious years with her. I would have done anything if it would have prevented the illness she had to endure prior to her passing. However I know that Emma-Grace’s illness served a purpose for God’s kingdom. I understand that here on earth I will never totally comprehend how God works some times. But I have seen a mighty work done through a little girl who many people did not even know until 8 months ago. I am thankful that the nurses and doctors that took care of her felt God’s presence in our room. Although some of them maybe didn’t understand it, they expressed what peace and love they experienced around us, that we were “different” somehow. Those same people fell in love with a little girl that they never even met awake. I am thankful that because of Emma-Grace’s illness many people were drawn to the throne of God, many who had not been there in a long time. I am grateful that my own children (Christopher and Allyson) accepted the love of Jesus into their hearts during this past year. Overall I am thankful that God was glorified in the midst of our sorrow.

Perhaps this past year you are one of the millions who have lost their job, maybe your house is in foreclosure, maybe you are struggling to make ends meet, or perhaps you have lost one dear to your heart. This may be a season of grief and loss for you, but please know that you have a hope that does not disappoint. For you have a Father who understands you. God himself lost his child and I imagine his heart also grieved. That child prior to his death became flesh and felt many of the same emotions we feel while he was here on earth. He felt pain and sorrow and even cried when His friend Lazarus died. I think that is one reason he understands our hearts so well. He became man so he could know how we feel when we are hurt or sorrowful. He comforts the brokenhearted. He promises to never leave you or forsake you. His love is extravagant toward you. His love never fails. The Bible says your sadness may last for a time, but joy will come, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5). Oh what we have to be thankful for. Such a great God! Such a great love! Such a wonderful Savior!

If only for a short time, I am thankful for the time God gave me with my little Emmie before she went to Jesus. In the face of my pain, with God’s grace I have been able to give thanks. And I praise God for that!

CLAY JARS



I am finally sitting down to write something for the month of October. Our family has been a little busy over the last few weeks. It has been a good thing to keep moving forward. Almost 6 months have passed since Emma-Grace's death. Actually it has been almost 9 months since she first started having seizures. February 10. In my heart- that is really the day we lost her. It is hard to believe that much time has passed. Time goes by so quickly. My heartache gets a little better as each day passes. I still find myself crying at times. I am sure that will always be the case. When we were in the hospital it was so hard for me to think of Emma-Grace well and healthy. That's when the tears would come. Now I want to remember her as a beautiful, energetic little "mess" of a girl that kept us laughing daily. The tears come now when I remember what her little body had to endure before God called her home. As a nurse of many years, who has seen a lot of "bad" things, it still is hard for me to think of all of the complications Emma's little body fought against.


The truth is- life is hard and painful at times. Adversity can "break us or make us". I can say with all certainty that the Carpenter family has had our share of difficult times. We have found that it has been during those times that we have not only become a stronger family but have all grown tremendously in our faith. The devil would like for adversity to break our spirit. For many people it often does. God however can use those times of pain and suffering as a tool to launch us into a period of meaning and purpose if we only let Him.

The Bible says "All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 NKJV Are we to conclude from this verse that everything is going to be perfect if we are a Christian? We can look all around us and see that is not the case. Bad things happen to good people all of the time. In the Bible there are many examples of God's children who suffered. There are stories of Christians who were stoned to death, beheaded and even crucified. It would be easy to think how could a loving God allow His children to suffer and in many cases die? I don't even pretend to know the answer to why God's children have to face suffering.

God wants much more for us than a life that is problem free or "perfect". We all are made by God with a purpose in mind. Often times it takes adversity for us to realize what God desires for our life. If we allow Him to, God can use difficulties to not only make us stronger but also make the people around us stronger. Adversity is one of God's most effective tools in changing lives. Difficulties may be the way God draws us and others to Him. He uses adversity to "grow us spiritually".

I am currently reading a book by Charles Stanley called, "How to Handle Adversity." I wanted to share a passage from the book.

"The degree to which we desire to grow spiritually corresponds to our ability to handle adversity successfully. Men or women who are only marginally interest in maturing as Christians will have a difficult time with adversity. Their tendency will be to blame God and become bitter. Instead of seeing adversity as something God is trying to do for them, they will see it as something He is doing to them. It is all a matter or priority and perspective. If our priorities are ease, comfort, and pleasure, we will have little tolerance for adversity. We will see it as an interruption rather than a part of God's plan for us. But when we allow God to shape our priorities, adversity takes on a whole new meaning. We see it as an integral part of what God is doing in our lives. We begin to understand that adversity is sometimes a means to greater joy and peace. We don't panic and assume God has forgotten about us. Rather, we can rejoice. Why? Because God is in the process of bringing about another good in our life."

I will be honest and say that I have on more than one occasion questioned why God would bring Emma-Grace into our lives only to take her away. As I have said before, I don't pretend to know the answer to that question. As her mom I can't even begin to explain the pain that comes when I remember holding her as she took her last few breaths. I have found that the people who seem to understand my heartache the best are people who have also lost a child. I remind myself daily that my God understands my sorrow because He also lost a child. In fact He not only lost His child, but He gave His child to die for my sins. I know my Savior not only knows how I feel but He "feels" my hurts.

While here on earth I know I will probably never fully understand Emma-Grace's death. What I do know is that while she was here, she changed our family in the best of ways. I know that this beautiful ray of sunshine effected more people in her 3 1/2 short years than many of us will in our lifetime. And I am certain for years to come, this child will continue to change lives even though she is no longer here because our family and those who knew her were forever changed and that will bring about change in those around us.

Adversity is one of the tools God uses to mold a piece of clay into a piece of pottery. As Christians we are that piece of pottery, that fragile clay pot. If we focus on our heartaches depression is bound to set it. Our despair, our brokenness, our shattered dreams, these are all elements of our jar of clay. None of these things can bring meaning or a sense of value to our lives. The Bible talks about overcoming despair in 2 Corinthians, chapter 4. If we allow God to do a work in us, kept inside that broken, fragile, ordinary jar of clay is a treasure, a priceless treasure of immeasurable worth.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.


Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:7-12; 16-18 (NIV)

When we look only at the frail clay pot, despair is the natural result, but when we look at the glorious treasure we hold, we are inwardly renewed day by day. And those adversities and frailties that cause cracks in our clay pot? They are not to be despised, for they now serve a purpose. If we let them they will allow the life of God, our cherished treasure, to seep out for all those around us to see. I pray that through the heartache of losing Emma-Grace I will allow God to mold me into that beautiful jar that will not only renew me day by day, but will spill out His glory to all those around me.

GOD IS LOVE



Yesterday in church our sermon was about God's love for us. His love is beyond anything we can imagine. He loves us no matter who we are or what we have done. He loves us even if we do not love Him back. He loves us even though there will be many days that we will disappoint Him. It is a love that is taller than the tallest mountain and deeper that the deepest sea. As a sinner saved by Grace it is still hard for me to comprehend how much God cares for me even when I am living a life that is not always pleasing to Him.

Since the passing of our little Emma-Grace, God has impressed on my heart so many times how important it is to love those around us. You never know when you may never see someone again. It doesn’t matter how often we tell others we love them; what matters is how often we show them our love. Words are important, but actions are the proof of our words. This is what God did for us. He did not just say, “I love you.” He showed us His love by sending His Son so we might live through Him.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

What has God’s love done for us?

1. It shows us what love is.
Love is sacrificing for others by giving up our own plans for them.
Love is action.

2. It has taken away God’s anger over our sins.
Jesus accepted our punishment.
Jesus took our sins upon himself.
Now God see Jesus’ righteousness when He looks at us instead of our sins.

3. God’s love has made a way for us to live.
Without Jesus, we are dead in our sins.
With Jesus, we are made alive if we live through Him.
Furthermore, the life we now live is real because it now includes a personal friendship with God.

1 John 4:7-12
Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not, knoweth not God; for God is love. In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.


Jesus stood in for us. Other people all around us each day need someone to stand in for them. We can’t take their sin away, but we can go to them and love them in the same manner that God has loved us. So, why should we love one another? Because as I John 4:12 says “No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.”

I'm not sure about you, but many times I'm guilty of not spreading God’s love like I should. We know a wonderful and loving God and we see people who need that love and yet we don't share it with them. I don't think it's because we want to greedily keep God's love to ourselves. Many times we just get so busy with our "life" that we forget the things that are most important. Our priorities a lot of times are just not where they need to be. God say we should put other firsts. We often get caught up in pride and self. I read once that we should die to ourselves daily. What does that mean? To me that means others should see God's will and His love when they see me and not LaLisa. I can say with all honestly that I need to work on that one. I am a self-admitted control freak and have a problem handing it "all" over to God.

I try to remind myself that often the only God some people will see is the God in me. Many people will never enter the doors of the church. However those same people are exposed to so called "Christians" each day. Do they see Jesus in my actions? Am I portraying a loving God? A God who loves His children no matter what? A God who loves us no matter how much money we have in the bank, no matter what color of skin we have, no matter what kind of clothes we wear or what kind of car we drive. He loves us know matter what condition or hearts are in. Do we show the same love? I can honestly say that I don't always love like I should.

Pastor Rick Hamrick said over and over yesterday that God is LOVE. That is so true. He is the ultimate example of love. Praise God for His wonderful blessing of love for a sinner like me. I pray that I will make a daily effort to love those around in a way that they may see Jesus in me.

1 John 4:16-21 
"And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us. If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also."Thank you God for you all surpassing love. Thank you for loving a sinner like me. Thank you for being the example of LOVE I need to encompass and share each day. 

BEAUTIFUL MEMORIAL

Emma-Grace's headstone was delivered today.  I am so glad it is finally at the graveyard.  I think it turned out beautifully.  Thanks to Greene's Memorial in Forest City for a great job.  Thanks to Jan Crow, one of my best friends, who was my moral support today as they placed the stone.  I know Emma-Grace is smiling in Heaven.  It think the headstone matches her personality perfectly. 

Today as I reflected on what a blessing Emma-Grace was and how much God has blessed our family through adoption I wanted to share something special.  Our Pastor Rich Hamrick officiated.at Emma's memorial service.  I think he did a wonderful job honoring our precious little girl.  He also talked about adoption and how if we are Christians, God has adopted us into His family.  I won't share the whole service but, I hope he does not mind if I share some thoughts He shared that day.  

PASTOR RICK HAMRICK:

....."The Bible says that those who are in Christ are co-heirs with Christ as sons and daughters of God.  In other words, we who believe in Jesus Christ have been adopted by God.  

 Let me read some verses from Galatians 4.  "When the time had fully come, God sent His son, born of a woman, born under law to redeem those under law that we might receive the full rights of Sons.  Because you are sons, God sent the spirit of His son into our hearts.  The spirit who calls out , " Abba Father".  So, you are no longer a slave, but a son and since you are a son, God has also made you an heir.  Now we didn't deserve this from God and we brought nothing with us and we were also a big risk for God.  Would we love God in return?  Would we rebel against god?  God knew the answeres to this question and He adopted us anyway.  

In his book, The Great House of God, Max Lucado puts it this way.  "Knowing full well the trouble you would be and the price He would pay, He signed His name next to yours and changed your name to His and took you home.  Your Abba adopted you and became your father.  And to that I would add, His blood runs through your veins.  Well, you may say you are not really blood related.  Oh, but yes.  You are.  That is the blood of Jesus Christ that was spilled that you may have this gift of God, that you can claim the bloodline of Jesus.  One of the most beautiful examples of God's love for us.  Without our deserving it, He said, "Would you be my child?  Would you come and live with me?  Can I be your Dad?"

" WHEN LOVE TAKES YOU IN " :  SONG BY STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN
SANG BY ABBY HAMRICK AT THE MEMORIAL SERVICE

When love takes you in, everything changes.  And, you know, God does that for us.  He takes us in.  He gives us a home.  He gives us a family, a place to belong.  He say, " This is yours."  He call us to live life and live it to the full.  

I just want to say a few words to the family.  You did everything conceivable.  You efforts were heroic.  I can't tell you how many people marveled at the display of love that you have shown that little girl.  And some may think, "Well she wasn't really theirs", Oh yes.  Oh yes. She was theirs.  She had their love, You did everything that anybody could figure to do and you worked at it.  You were determined.  You prayed.  You spent time with God like maybe you haven't spent time with Him before and you drew close to God......

I have heard people ask, "why didn't the miracle happen?"  Folks, God adopted Emma-Grace as well.  This is a miracle.  God loved her and cared for her that much.  That is a miracle.  Emma-Grace is living with her Savior and that is a miracle.  And she is running around and doing cartwheels and twisting all around in circles all around Jesus, I know right now.  Somebody said she is in the lap of Jesus.  I said, "I don't know if Emma-Grace is in His lap.  I think she is running around."  That is a miracle.  Oh, there have been all kinds of miracles.  Miracle after miracle.  Now we don't have Emma-Grace with us.  That is the miracle that was so desperately wanted.  But God has worked and He has blessed and He is going to. 

PRAYER:  We don't really know what to say God.  It seems terribly unfair.  We can't even begin to make any sense out of this.  Why?  Oh, but God, when we think about how much you love and care for us, when we think about how great and awesome your plans are.  When we think you are so wise and mighty that we can't even comprehend.  And then, we imagine Emma-Grace there in your presence and the picture starts to take shape.  We start to get a little bit of an understanding.  But, God, you know that there are so many people in this community, in other communities around us, people all over the world asking right now, "Why?"  God I ask that you bless each person right now who asks that question, to begin to show them the way, to begin to bring comfort to their lives.  Would you show your love as only You can.  And, Lord we pray for your mighty arm of comfort to wrap around this family.  It is hard to imagine how they might overcome this, except we know, the know you.  Thank you for being God.  Thank you for your comfort and your peace.  In Jesus name we pray, Amen. "

Thank you Pastor Rick Hamrick for the beautiful memorial service in honor of our precious Emma-Grace.  Again we thank everyone for the thoughts, prayers, hospital visits, gifts of food, gifts of money, and so many other things that were done on behalf of our precious Emma-Grace and our family during this long difficult road.  We feel so blessed to have such caring, wonderful friends and family. We can't thank you all enough.

WAVES OF GRIEF

Several weeks ago my family and I took a trip to Hilton Head Island. The first few days were very difficult because we all kept thinking about how much Emma-Grace loved the beach and how much we missed her. She would have played in the sand and water all day if you would let her. Even though we were all sad, God reminded us over and over about the wonderful times we had at the beach with Emma in the past. Overall I think getting away as a family was helpful for everyone.  We had a wonderful trip and made some beautiful new memories as a family.

Several days as I sat on the beach I thought about the similarities of grieving and the ebb and flow of the tide. It has been amazing to me how grief affects me at times. It is very much like standing in the ocean. The water can be peaceful and calm and the next thing you know a big wave comes along and plows you down. Sometimes it can even knock the breath out of you. Each day my grief seems to be getting a little easier, but just when I think I have it all under control here comes another wave. It can last a few minutes and involve a just few tears or it can go on for hours and involve crying buckets.

I want to thank everyone for continuing to remember our family in your prayers. This has been by far the hardest thing we have ever faced. Emma-Grace was a gift from God. As Christians we can say all day long- “everything we have is God’s; including our children”.  We even dedicate our children to God’s service. We did that with Emma-Grace after she came home from China. Actually acknowledging everything is God's is difficult because you know He gives you these "gifts", but you also know that He can take them away.  We knew Emma-Grace was God’s child. We knew He entrusted our family to care for her while she was here on earth. However we could have never dreamed we would have to give her back to Him so soon.

I was telling someone today about how we almost missed the opportunity to have Emma-Grace as a part of our family. The day we were to let the adoption agency know if we wanted to adopt her we almost said no. We had never planned to adopt another child. However God orchestrated an elaborate plan for Emma-Grace to enter our lives (you can read the whole story on her caring bridge sitehttp://www.caringbridge.org/visit/emmagracecarpenter/mystory). When we found out about Emma we had 6 days to pray and decide as a family if we felt lead to take her. I had every intention on calling the adoption agency at lunch time on the final day and tell them we were not going to take her because we were still unsure. But at the last minute, “literally”, God said “you can save this little girl, she is yours”. It is amazing to me how much God is waiting to bless us if we just take that first step toward His will for our lives. Even though we only had Emma-Grace for 2 ½ years, we would say yes again tomorrow. She was truly what her name says “Grace”- a gift from God. I am so thankful we stepped out in faith and was able to enjoy the wonderful blessing that Emma-Grace was.

I continue to ask myself what is the next step in this process of recovering? How do we continue to pick up the broken pieces? Although there are no simple answers to those questions, I believe that there are some conscious choices we can make to help us with the process of healing. Grief, difficult as it may be, is necessary. Otherwise I don’t think you can move on. During our grief God is there to hold and comfort us if we only let him. Jesus said: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)


The waves of grief from Emma’s death will come and go, I am certain of that. The important part is to give into the waves when they come. We cannot receive the comfort God offers unless we allow ourselves to mourn. Grieve in your prayer time. Grieve with your family and friends. I think when people attempt to "get over" sad feelings too quickly, they shortcut the work that Jesus is trying to accomplish.

In Galatians 6:2 Paul said: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Oftentimes our pride prevents us from accepting support from others. Yet if we refuse help from others, then we prohibit them from fulfilling what they feel God is leading them to do to be of service. In difficult times, God sends people our way to assist in carrying our burdens. I know for me personally the last 6 months events have placed a tremendous burden on my heart. I have needed people to help shoulder my load. I feel it is a big mistake to isolate yourselves from others when you're going through a crisis. We all need other people in a tragedy. We need their perspective, we need their support, we need their encouragement, and sometimes we just need their presence. I thank everyone who has been here for the Carpenter family. Without you I think the waves of the ocean could have very well taken us under.

When Emma-Grace was sick I talked a lot about faith. We had faith that God was going to take care of Emma, and truthfully he took care of her in the best way possible. She is now fully whole. Jesus promised "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, `Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20) Faith is facing the facts of life, and not being forever discouraged by them. That's what real faith is. It's not pretending everything is great or going to end up perfect. There are bad things in the world. And bad things do happen to good people, but faith is facing the facts and knowing that no matter what happens God is in control.  There's very little in life that we can control. In fact, I've discovered that the most important things in life are the very things we cannot control. Yet I remind myself daily that no matter what happens God holds the world and my life in his loving hands. So as the waves of life may push us around at times, keeping our eyes on our Savior Jesus Christ will help us keep our heads above the water.

"God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes, or the mountains fall into the sea." Psalms 46:2 

“The LORD above is mighty- mightier than the sound of raging water, mightier than the foaming waves of the sea.” Psalms 93:4